Namaste Y'all

Swing heil! Jake Shepherd recently taught me a single step in swing dancing and now I really want to learn it all, but I leave for college soon and I’m working this summer so who knows when I’ll have time. The last time I took a dance class was sophomore year when mom signed her and I up for a dance class at the Winter Park Farmer’s Market. Here’s the thing, I wasn’t totally okay with having mother-son dance lessons, but when we got there we quickly learned that we would be switching partners throughout the hour-long class. ‘Wow!’ you may be thinking, ‘Jacob actually got to dance with a cute girl instead of his mom?? What a fortunate turn of events! How lucky! Just goes to show that-’ No. I’m gonna stop you right there. Everyone in that dance class, except me, was at least 40 years old, and then there was the group being bussed in from the nursing home, so I ended up dancing with mom to grandma aged women. My mom had it worse off because she had to dance with thirsty single old men with bad breath. We went back for another two lessons before mom finally quit on me, and she was my ride there, so that was the end of my dance lessons. Unfortunately, we only learned the Waltz and Rumba, but not swing.

We’re only in North Carolina for a week but I’ve already hiked 12 miles on the Appalachian trail, so that is pretty lit. The first day I did it, Friday, I went up by myself and passed the time singing and practicing my IB English Oral. It was also raining pretty hard so I was pretty much full on King Lear just out in the storm. I could imagine the newspaper headline if someone found me out there: “Deranged 17-year-old Spouting Off Themes of King Lear.” The main reason I hike is because I can take pictures for Instagram, but the second main reason is that we have no WiFi in the house, but my cell service is actually pretty good on the trail.

The American South may not be a great place for equality, but the food is fantastic (does not make up for the rampant racism)!! On Friday night, aka Christmas, we went to this little diner in the town of Hot Springs where we were staying. They gave us some Christmas Dinner menus where you could pick a meat and a few sides, but since my parents are vegetarians, we got some real menus, and it’s a good thing we did because I got some pulled pork and it was twelve times better than any salad, I’ll tell you that.

Happy Jewish Christmas! As we were eating, my mom told us that she had bought us dream catchers to make. “Sorry I can’t do that,” I told her, “that’s cultural appropriation.” We walked outside and it was still pouring, harder than before, and there were puddles in the parking lot. We all walked through the rain to the car, Sophie hobbling behind everyone with her boot, and as each of us jumped the big puddle next to the sidewalk, Sophie, who was almost there, decided it was all too much and turned back to the restaurant. We drove around to pick her up and she ended up getting more rained on that way. She’s an enigma.

In addition to hiking and eating, I’ve also been hammocking outside because there are a ton of trees (Surprise, surprise) but I lost my hammock Friday morning, found it, and then lost it again this morning. It is still lost. I spent the better part of the day looking for it, but it’s one of those small pack away ones and it’s dark green so it’s not easy to spot. It got me to clean my room, so if that’s what you wanted mom, you can give it back now. I looked in all the rooms of this house and outside and in the car and in the hot tub. I looked on top of the armouir and found something even better, a WiFi router! My dad told me when we got there that the WiFi didn’t work, but online it said it did. He pulled out the binder that came with the house and it had a little note saying the router was old and gonna be replaced “ :( “ My thought when I found the router was that it WAS the replacement, so I was excited as heck and connected to the WiFi on my phone. Things were looking up! I tried it on my laptop and NOPE. That is also the reason I am posting this not on Saturday, when it was written.

While all of the hiking and hammock losing where happening, Sophie had been spending most of her days sleeping and complaining that she can’t do anything here, with a boot on her foot. “Can I just hike without it and then wear it longer?” she asked. I went on a 6-mile hike on Saturday with dad, and we passed a bunch of people walking the entire 15-mile stretch of the trail. I was most certainly dehydrated and a little out of it because I hadn’t drank anything all day, so when we passed by the first group we said hi, and I was going to wish them luck by telling them ‘break a leg’ but then I realized that doesn’t mean the same thing when you’re hiking on a mountain at 21,000 feet above sea-level. We got back in the late afternoon and Sophie was still asleep in our parents’ bed. I showered and got changed out of my gross hiking clothes and Sophie walks into our room and asks where everyone has been. “Did you just wake up?” I asked incredulously. “Yeah, where were you all?” she replies. “Well I just hiked six miles, and you slept all day, and now we’re going to Asheville,” I told her. It was a 45-minute drive so nothing like the way here, and we listened to music so it was a pretty good time. At one point, mom said, “If we see a puppy on the side of the road I want you to stop. STOP! And we’re taking it home.” Then she felt bad for thinking about other dogs so she asked, “did anyone tell Rosie we’ll be right back?” “I did,” replied Joseph. Earlier in the week Joseph, Mom and I were standing around in the kitchen and Rosebud was chilling with Joseph. I said something about how she was an old lady and Joseph told me, “she’s not a regular dog.” “Oh yeah?” I asked, “then what is she?” “My best friend,” he replied. If she were really his best friend I think he’d stop playing Camptown Ladies on the recorder all day.

We got to Asheville and looked around at all of the culturally diverse things. Sophie was upset because she still had her boot on and couldn’t move as fast as the rest of us. We went from store to store and stopped in front of this band of wild looking folk with long beards, tattoos, and a sign in front that said ‘Carolina Catskins.’ No, they weren’t selling cat skins. They were actually a really fun band and I encourage everyone to like them on Facebook. Granted, I didn’t understand any words they sang, but the combination clarinet, violin, bass, guitar, and washboard made some great music.

At the end, everyone applauded and some did stepped in front of the crowd and made us aware of all of Jesus’s sacrifices. “The Carolina Catskins have no affiliation with that man,” said the violin player. Sophie was hungry so she was bought a grilled cheese sandwich. The next thing we tried to do was find a music store so Joseph could get a new recorder book and stop playing Christmas songs. I suggested he just stop playing the recorder. After searching fruitlessly and winding up in an Urban Outfitters, we found this great little Indian restaurant and got in line for a table. We split a whole bunch of non-spicy foods, but Sophie didn’t feel well so she just kinda sat there moaning. We were next to the bathroom but Sophie also didn’t feel well enough to stand in line for that, so she just sat there. We ordered some rice pudding stuff for dessert, and everyone was surprised when it had the texture of rice. I took the tiny bowl it came in and decided to have the last bite. “You aren’t going to ask if anyone else wants any,” mom asked in a way that suggested I have no regard for other people whatsoever. “Umm, everyone else said they hated it?” I said, confused. We walked back to our car and were about twenty feet away when Sophie just couldn’t walk anymore so dad and I got the car. I tried getting in the front seat but he told me it was for Sophie. Ok. I got in the back, we pulled up to Sophie, mom and Joseph, and Sophie got in the front. She immediately put her chair back and then told me that it bugged her when my legs were hitting the chair. WHAT. We started talking and Sophie told us to shut up, because her head hurt. Joseph and I, who had not been getting along, now had a common enemy, so we kept talking. Then dad told us to stop talking and we shut up. We pulled over to get Sophie water, and then dad drove us home. We were maybe 15 minutes away and going down a mountain and Sophie started to complain that we were going too fast, so I said that we should just stop and spend the night on the side of the road. We finally got home, Sophie went to bed, and i beat my dad and brother at poker. I went to the room I originally shared with Sophie and Joseph, but Joseph had decided to sleep on a futon, so it was just me in the twin bed, and Sophie in the queen bed. I started to make a sweet new acapella video to ‘Blister in the Sun,’ by the Violent Femmes, but Sophie yelled at me. Najat and Tendai called me and we started talking in a conference call, but then mom busted in the room, mad. “Didn’t you hear Sophie telling you to be quiet and get off the phone??” she asked. “No,” I said, “I had headphones in.” “Hang up now,” she demanded. Instead I went outside, after just lying in my bed silently. When I talked again, Najat called me a peeping Tom because she didn’t even realize I was there, so I explained the entire story of Sophie not feeling well and me not being allowed to talk, and concluded with, “so no, I’m not a peeping Tom.” The entire story took like 10 minutes and I spent the ten minutes walking around outside on the back porch. When I was finished I told them how frustrated I was that I lost my hammock, and right as I was walking by the table outside, I look down, and there’s my hammock, hanging from a chair. It was a christmas miracle. I guess all that can be said is that I don’t give Sophie enough credit, because if she hadn’t complained all day and ended up making me talk on the phone outside, I never would have found my hammock.

Why Oh WiFi: A New Lost Hope

Umm wow. So this is intense because I’ve spent every waking minute of my day with my family since 6 am. Honestly, when my mom told me that we’d be leaving at six i didn’t believe her, because it sounded too horrific to be true, but lo and behold I was woken at six so I put on some Drake to get myself feeling alive and feeling jazzed about the 10 HOUR CAR RIDE TO NORTH CAROLINA. Yeah you read that right. And no, it wasn’t just my family going, but also my one-eyed dog, Rosebud.

We took my grandma’s SUV instead of the usual Prius, which we thought would be more comfortable, but we actually had less leg room than usual. Somehow, with Rosebud taking up most of the trunk, our bags barely fit, so we were literally stuffing rolls of toilet paper wherever we could to get everything to fit. I, for example, sat in the front seat and had five bags on my legs. Getting up early makes me grumpy, so then my family’s usual stuff bugs me even more. For example, whenever Joseph and my mom talk, they use w’s instead of r’s (e.g. “tewwible” instead of the more commonly used “terrible”). He is twelve years old but I’m sleep tho. Another thing that bugs me is when Joseph talks to animals like they’re people. I KINDA got used to it when it was Rosebud, but this morning I heard him politely ask a moth to get out of the car, which was weird, but again, I’m sleep. 

It was nearing seven and we still had not left yet. Sophie came hobbling out with a boot on her right foot. This requires a bit of backstory. On Monday, Sophie was babysitting some kids and was running backwards and tripped and fell, straining a ligament. This led to mom not being able to pick me up from rehearsal and Sophie informing the family, “IM DYINF,” through text. My grandpa picked me up and I asked him what was wrong with Sophie. “Mom took her to the doctor,” he said, “But you know Soph.” “Yeah, I know,” I replied, knowing that she has, what we call, a flair for the dramatic. When I got home monday, Sophie was clunking around in her boot and crutches. This morning she climbed into the car and there wasn’t room for her boot so she took it off and rested her foot next to me on the center console. I do not like feet. The last one to get out of the house was mom, who told us that she couldn’t find her phone so we all had to call it but it turned out that it was in her pocket. With all of our stuff crammed into every empty space in the car, we took off towards North Carolina, but not until we went to Einstein’s for breakfast and about 13 bathroom breaks on the way. We listened to the new season of Serial for fun and because Theory of Knowledge requires an extensive amount of listening to podcasts. It was about halfway through episode 2 when a knowledge question struck me, so I paused the podcast, wrote it down, and then took a nap.

I only ever really moved when I lost feeling in my legs because they were being crushed under the weight of the bags. I entertained myself with Spotify and tweeting about salty/politically relevant topics. When we crossed the border into South Carolina, I turned to my dad and said, “I feel dumber.” It was then that I realized he was BORN in South Carolina so I went back to Spotify, even though I had awful service for the ten-hour ride up here :-) Dad got hungry eventually so we decided to stop at Sonic because my brother and sister wanted to see them roller skate, even though there is a Sonic in Winter Park on University, so we ended up sitting in a parking space trying to communicate through one of those voice box things that only seemed to pick up every third word we said. Apparently my brother and sister were dieting but decided to put it off for a day because come on, the mozzarella sticks there are A1. We got back on the highway on started off on the journey to more success.

All of a sudden I started hearing an awful noise like a wounded horse. I turned around and Sophie was crying, so I asked, out of curiosity, what was wrong. WELL AS IT TURNS OUT SHE WAS WATCHING BECAUSE OF WINN DIXIE WHICH JUST HAD SUCH A HUGE EMOTIONAL IMPACT THAT SHE WAS BAWLING IN THE BACKSEAT. This is a movie that came out over 10 years ago so excuse me for not understanding why she’d be crying when everyone know the dog comes back, not to mention the book was out five years before the movie soooo... Ok. 

We made it through the ten hours and finally arrived at the house, which was actually pretty rad because it is right behind the French Broad RIver and in front of tha Appalachian Trail, so when we got there I busted out the hammock I bought from Amazon on Black Friday and figured out how the heck it works. I came inside as dinner was being prepared, and by that I mean I boiled water and sorta checked out. While the water was boiling, mom decided sophie should go in the hot tub for her foot, but since Sophie couldn’t get there on her own, I had to physically lift her up and carry her outside. I came back in to check the water, but it turned out I turned on the wrong burner, so I figured that out, and then had to find a light for Sophie because there’s no outdoor lighting. I arranged my stuff in the room all three kids are sharing, and then my mom told me to drain the spaghetti. Well someone had put the pasta in but not stirred it so it was a clump on the bottom. Whatever. I fixed it. I’m just glad I didn’t have to carry Sophie back inside. Here’s a thing I  learned: we don’t have WiFi at this house, which makes this the continuation of a long saga of not having WiFi on vacation.

We all took our pasta to the TV room and ate while dad tried to figure out how to play Finding  Nemo on DVD because we also don’t have cable. I dropped a clump of penne pasta with marinara on my white Vineyard Vines shirt. My family pointed it out for the next fifteen minutes straight. The movie started and my mom began asking questions like, “what was that?” And “who was she?” And “was that one Ellen Degeneres?” Finding Nemo was kinda a bust because it kept pausing and in every pause we heard Joseph practicing the recorder in the other room, so that really ruined the mood. I changed my shirt and got settled in for the night. Sophie and Joseph were watching Paper Towns on Sophie’s laptop because she had downloaded it. Joseph saw the confederate flag and Sophie tried to explain it. “It’s the confederate flag, it...” she said. “Would you like to phone a friend?” I ask as she looks at me for help. She ignored me and said, “It means they believe in slavery... and black people?” Yeah, that meant it was time to go to bed, except SOMEONE busted out his recorder again and was desperately trying to play Hot Cross Buns. Now both kids are asleep in the bed next to me, which means I have a limited time to sleep before the wild rumpus starts again.

-12/24/15

Night 7: Family Time

Exposition:

So today my cousins are in from Boca Raton to celebrate Hanukkah pt. 7 with us at our grandparents house in Maitland. Before we left, I walked out in to the dining room and my mom told me, "let's call it $100." Since I had been out a debit card if been borrowing money from my mom occasionally, and she recently told me she was going to demand I pay her back, which would be fine except last week it was $40 and now we're "just gonna call it $100." Umm what?? Anyway, I'm going to ignore that because if I expound upon my feelings, mom is going to read this and yell at me. Dad walked out into the dining room and asked if we were ready to go. Mom looked up from her embroidery, "yepadoodle," she said. We walked outside and mom was standing next to the car with Rosebud. Dad tried getting Rosebud inside but mom said, "I already told her she could go."

5:15

Sitting next to my fat assed dog in the back seat.

5:22

Mom: you know what i got my dad?

Dad: A scotch glass?

5:25

Gram: Why doesn't Joseph play the drums in the garage?

Me: He likes to be obnoxious about it.

Dad: (Appearing from behind me) Remember when you used to play the trombone??

Me: Yeah, downstairs.

Dad: OK. *A look*

5:28

Mom began singing Happy Hanukkah To You to the tune of Happy Birthday. Joseph and my cousin Livie have promised to play the dreidel song on the saxophone and drums. My grandpa banned this until he goes to bed at 7.

5:38

Gram:(referring to another family) They're Indian- dot.

5:43

Gram: Rosebud is here on top of everything? (20 minutes into Hannukah)

My Aunt: (Her father talking about Rosebud) He felt bad that her hair was covering her eye.

Mom: (To Rosebud) Poor girl, they don't understand.

5:55

Gram: I can tell Rossie's here because there's water all over the floor.

Dad: I can tell Buddy's here because he barks like crazy and jumps the house guests.

Sophie is not at the party yet, no one has texted her except my aunt. Sophie, if you're reading this, get your ass over here.

6:10

Sophie has arrived in an ugly Christmas jean vest. No explanation required.

6:15

Aunt: Jacob won't be here next year

Me: :-)

6:22

IT HAS STARTED!! Joseph started drumming and Livie busted out her 

trombone! I HAVE GOT TO GO!

6:34

https://youtu.be/b_YlXnqUNsk

7:03

Joseph: (Unwrapping gifts) Why does nobody ever pay attention to ME?

7:16

Why was this taken on my phone??

8:40

I am in bed, I got a jacket and a new wallet, and my grandma reminded her that I have to text her when I'm in college. Joseph is sleeping over at my grandma's with his snare drum so I might get to go to bed early tonight :') Happy Hannukah to all, stay tuned for pending updates in my life.

TV Wars: Sophie Kicked Me Because I Wouldn't Turn On Her Show

Here's the thing, I really like to take afternoon naps. I'll be watching Netflix and get a feeling that I should probably nap now, so I pause Netflix and sleep for three hours. It's honestly a great system, except for the fact that nobody ever seems to remember I'm home. I think I'm going to write a longer story explaining my frustration with this, but in short, today my brother had a band concert that I was supposed to go to, but my parents left the house without waking me up from my nap so I woke up to only my sister and her friend, Milena, at my house.

Sophie is so loud, even when she doesn't have a friend over. When she does, it's about seven trillion times louder. One of her favorite things to do is to call mom when I'm around her and her friend and pretend I'm bothering them, and then mom, who believes Sophie, calls me as I'm trying to figure out how to explain that Sophie is once again being a drama queen. Sophie recently figured out that our TV has on-demand shows after I told her and then explained the process three times within two days. After I awoke from my nap, I went into the living room where our lone TV is, and I turned on the Magic-Cavaliers game (game is a nice way of putting it, the Cavs basically just took a huge dump on the magic). Sophie and Milena trounced in and Sophie demanded I turn on their newest favoritest reality show. "I'm watching the game," I explained, even though it seemed pretty obvious because the game was on TV and I was WATCHING IT. "You can watch on your laptop," Sophie said. This is from the girl who didn't know how to turn the TV on with the remote earlier today. "Really Sophie?" I said, "because you just learned we had on-demand so how would you KNOW I can watch the game on my laptop?" She kicked me. Now Sophie is at Milena's house sleeping over and I'm safe until the morning. Pray for me.

A damn blog post

Greetings loved ones, allow me to take you all on a journey back to late November. A time when your hero, me, was struggling to finish watching Jane the Virgin on Netflix, a show that is, for the record, A1.

When it comes to plans the family has made, I'm almost always the last to know. This is because they either forget I'm home or don't tell me until a couple days before those plans go into action. It's Thanksgiving Thursday and I'm up and going about my day when I'm reminded that we're going all the way to Boca Raton for the holiday. As mom is packing up a boatload of stuffing that she made, as her only contribution to the meal, I had to pack a suitcase, so like usual, mostly underwear and some shirts. Joseph, who is not Adele, is singing Adele in his room. We all load up into the Prius, a car not intended to accommodate a family of five, and hit the open road. It's a three-hour trip and I slept for about an hour and a half. I woke up halfway through the trip and look into the back. Staring back at me is my dog and her solitary eye. I had not realized she was on the journey until that point, which makes me the world's worst detective. Honestly though, the only way I would have noticed Rosebud is because she is so gassy, but thankfully not on this car ride. Upon arriving in Boca, we were greeted by our cousins and their grandparents, which was only awkward when their grandpa went for a handshake and I went for a hug. I'm not good in those situations.

When dinner was ready, Joseph invited Rosebud to eat with us by saying, "hey schnoogle, do you want to come sit at the kids table, even though you're already 56 years old?" I don't understand my brother's relationship with my dog, but I have accepted it. Despite generally disliking Thanksgiving food, this year offered up some good options. Crowd favorites were premade mashed potatoes and sweet potatoes with a truck bed of brown sugar on top. As we were leaving, my parents remembered that they forgot the air mattress for me, but I told them "it didn't matter," and, "I'd be fine." I was not fine. I slept on a leather couch in the living room that was too short for me, and then everyone gathered around it to socialize in the morning, while I was still asleep in my boxer-briefs. Whatever. When my dad and I left early, I slept for a couple hours on the way back, and only woke up to apologize for snoring. Then I went back to snoring. 

Typical

Mom: Jacob I don't understand, you keep going to your room to clean up, but I still see clothes all over the floor.

Me: Ahh, simple misunderstanding. I didn't clean up.

Mom: Go clean up.

Me: Are we having guests over?

Mom: Go clean up

Me: *Cleans up* *Blogs about it*
_________________________________________________________________________________Sophie (On Donald Trump): He doesn't like, like, other people.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Dad (On coming home for Thanksgiving from college): You get to see all of your friends.

Joseph: What friends?

Me: You'll make some buddy.

Joseph: I hope so

_________________________________________________________________________________
I ate way too much today and now I feel pretty gross. For the last couple nights, I've been hanging out with Caroline and Greycyn or Caroline and Grace, which has been pretty exhilarating. Caroline and Greycyn pulled up, but Caroline forgot about her piece of lawn furniture in the backseat so we put it out on my front sidewalk, which was nice because it really fit the aesthetic of the house anyway. I was more worried about my parents claiming it than it being stolen. We went to McDonalds and ate some chicken McNugs and drank some premium water. While Caroline was in the bathroom, Greycyn told me she was born without hearing in her right ear which was a LIE. We had some pretty powerful moments listening to Adele before Caroline dropped off Greycyn and had me return the lawn furniture.

The next night, Caroline texted me and told me to "be ready in 7." By the time I was ready, Caroline and Grace had already entered my house and were pointed towards the cookies by my mom. They were really impressed with the light-up fish installation in the hallway. After showing off some of my mother's embroidery, we took a trip to downtown Orlando (mostly for the Snapchat filter). A homeless man tried to get us to listen to a boss new song. We took selfies like obnoxious tourists. We realized we couldn't get in anywhere without being 18. We settled for pizza and WWE in a real hole-in-the-wall restaurant. I offered my coat to Grace about 54 times because she said she was cold 54 times, but she refused. On the way back to WP, Caroline demonstrated her free and independent teen spirit by letting her scarf flap from the window. It was symbolic. We messed with fast food workers, who probably hate us by now, and rode home, accompanied by our good friend Drake. I'd like to think that scarf still flies to this very day.

Why does anyone stay up past 9:30?

I've really begun to utilize the snooze button more on my alarm clock recently. It's one of those ones that is loud and vibrates then entire bed, and as you probably could have guessed, was a Hanukkah gift from my mother. My mom claims that I am unable to wake up on my own and that she always gets me up, but truth be told I get up and play NBA 2k16 on my phone in the wee hours of the morning instead of actually getting ready. Today I wore the same sweater I wore last winter when I fell asleep for a record half-hour in history class.

Instead of going to "school" I went to Keke's with Grace and Olivia and Caroline. I was pretty surprised Olivia managed to pick me up because turning onto my street is a big ol' Charlie Foxtrot. Several selfies were taken and snap chatted, but one stands out because Caroline covered my face with an Emoji. I will not post it here due to the offensive nature of the image. As it should be, Grace and I sat on the same side of the booth, mostly because she arrived last and Caroline, Olivia and I had already decided on it. Somehow, I ended up telling them about how my mom is taking charge of party planning.

My mom was describing the plans for Joseph's Bar Mitzvah at dinner one night and she said this band was gonna come that played classic rock music. "Does Joseph like classic rock?" I asked. "He said he liked them," mom replied. Joseph shouted fro his room, "no." 

Most of the planning for his party has been mom coming up with some of her "ideas" and the clearance items at Hobby Lobby. Olivia felt as though she deserved an invitation because she's my sister. The logic behind this, and there is logic, is that both of our fathers named Mark, have never been seen in a room together. Spooky, right? Olivia drove me back to school because Caroline had some appointment and Grace said her neighbors would tell her parents if she drove through her neighborhood with a boy. They're gonna have to find out eventually, whether it be here or the wedding. Olivia played country music which I could deal with for all of a minute and a half before I made her put on Drake to get psyched for ToK. ToK we had a sub. History, we may as well have had a sub because I spent the entire time writing the ending to In Carroll Blood (the movie about Yasha's {secret} life, co-directed by Greycyn). In English, we had a sub who asked me if I had been in Mr. Farmer's class last year as if all Jewish people are the same. RUDE. Okay, listen, I friggin hate chemistry class because I could absorb more knowledge by hitting my head against a textbook, and it'd be twice as fun too. Today we kept converting units, big whoop. The teacher asked if we could have done that without this class and Akshay savagely replied, "we learned how to do this in middle school and in tenth grade." That was the beginning. A 16 question worksheet was given to keep us occupied doing the exact same problem over and over and over and over. "Even professional athletes do the same things over and over and still mess up," the chem teacher informs us. "Yeah, but we aren't being paid millions of dollars," I replied, not realizing I had just spoken those words. "I pay you in grades," she said, rapidly approaching my desk. I shifted the conversation towards the absurd amount of money pro athletes make. I mean truly, who needs 30 million dollars annually. It's insane! Now you see how easy it is to distract people. At the end of class, she passed out rulers and tried teaching us the difference between millimeters and centimeters. Savagely, Akshay explains to her that, "we learned to use rulers in elementary school."

After school, as I waited for the district event showcase, I watched the marching band practice, became the newest [honorary] drum major, and took celebratory pictures with Emily. It was truly and artistic experience, photography, music, drama... this blog should make you feel cultured. All the individual events were amazing and I feel great about district's, but even better about missing school. Back home, I was talking with my dad when my sister walked in, sick and swathed in blankets. "Oh no it's the Michelin man!" Nobody else thought it was funny aka every joke I make. Without a doubt.

Gettin' around town

Me and the Wifey

So last night I knew I had to have my Poetry Out Loud poem ready by today and yet I neglected it until I actually arrived at school. It was one of those days where I did the next period's homework in the class right before hand, and sometimes, not too well. In English, Mr. Farmer was telling us that if we had already done a commentary on our poem we could turn it in for extra credit so I turn to Delaney H. and say, "I haven't even done my math homework yet and that was due first period. Thankfully there were a lot of subs, but somehow none of them taught me less than my chemistry teacher. Just last week she was having us describe solids, liquids and gasses. Today we multiplied. The worst part is that she treats it like a big deal, like when Camila asked if she could miss a week and every other teacher said it was okay, except the chem teacher was worried she'd "fall behind." Today she asked us to check her power point for mistakes because we were the first IB class of the day and I look at some junior (the really tall one) and tell him "That is not my job." In English, I did my Poetry Out Loud poem and it sucked so I'll just leave it at that. In Psych, Grace and I were matching so we took some early Christmas photos.

After school, we had to show all of our district thespian festival events to Mr. Carter. Our ensemble scene, the one that uses the phrase 'premature ejaculator,' went swimmingly.

The ensemble scene in action

Then I had to perform my monologues which went well considering I'm doing one from King Lear which I hadn't memorised until last week. The only reason I picked that one is because we were already reading it in class and I forgot to pick a dramatic monologue earlier, so I ended up being Edgar. In addition to monologues, an ensemble scene, and poetry out loud to memorise, the competition one-act is Thursday which I'm scarcited for? A mix of scared and excited.

Anyway, after I acted and whatnot, I got an urgent text from Caroline about getting Slurpee's with her and Grace for EE postponement day. Little did I know it was all a ploy for me to hold the camera as they posed for pictures with their Slurpees outside a 7/11. I'm sure no one driving by judged that. However, Grace did return my brother's basketball which I just now realized is still in Caroline's car. After a hearty round of Slurpees, Grace had to go home and drive Emmy to dance so Caroline started driving me home, but on the way we saw Cliff and Ted in their foyer so we decided (Caroline decided) to turn into their driveway (swerve into their driveway). I got my first Timmie selfie today so that was probably the highlight of my day for sure 100%. Ted shuffled around, sick, in his great-grandfathers robe. He mostly complained about it being too loud but right after he complained he joined in the conversation. Caroline and I made some easy-mac and offered it to Greycyn who had just arrived for some school advicEE. I burned my tongue, but it was worth it because it was delicious. Thanks, Cliff.

Back at home we all ate dinner together, so you just know drama was about to ensue. Joseph got mad at me because that seems to be his hobby nowadays. Anyway, Rosebud (having only one eye) was licking the inside of the dishwasher so I pulled her away from it. Joseph was offended and said I am not allowed to do that. "She's a dog Joseph," I tried to explain. Apparently that offended him deeply because he retorted, "she's not a dog!" WHAT DOES THAT MAKE HER THEN??? I walked away and he said he was going to run away so if any of you see a 12-year-old in Vineyard Vines please return him to me.

The end of the beginning and the beginning of the middle part

So I guess it's been a while since I posted on here and I've definitely got a lot to talk about. As I remember stories from the past couple months I'll probably post them on here.

So this weekend was the performance of our play, Stuff Happens, which is what we're doing for the district competition as well. It's a political play and I play George W. Bush, which is great except I hate George W. Bush and I'm so far left wing, but people still keep coming up to me and telling me how much they hate me! Like, listen buddy! I don't like him any more than you do, I'm just playing the guy! One of my lines in the play is, "I'm the commander see, I don't need to explain. I don't need to explain why I say things." I said it for my grandma and she said, "That's probably something Obama would say." Woah grandma hold up, you can't just say things like that. And yet she still does... all the time. The play went really well and when it was over my hair was still really white from the makeup and so I went up to a few people and told them to, "just call me daddy." That didn't go over well so now I'm out a few friends. We only had two performances this time which is great because it meant that I got to sleep more this weekend which is always a huge plus. After the show on Friday, I didn't go to dinner with the rest of the cast but instead to Chick-fil-a with a few friends. I tried to sneak out a packet of Chick-fil-a sauce but the lady who cleared the table threw it out. Afterward we headed to Park Ave. where I was made uncomfortable by my friend's boyfriend who HATES ME because another friend told him I was his competition.

The Saturday show was easier because I got to sleep all day beforehand, but when I woke up I had to ask my parents if they would take me to buy makeup while still seeming nonchalant about it. My dad drove me to this store located in the middle of all these storage units and I walked in and started talking to this man who smelled like an ash tray. While he was helping me, I heard something wheeze in the backroom, and tried to be chill about it but he said something like, "it's close to dying," which made me if it was a dog or mother-in-law or what. I got out of there with some expensive AF foundation and went to the Y to play basketball with my dad and brother. The gym was being half occupied by 4-year-olds playing "soccer" or whatever that was. The other half of the gym was free-ish to play basketball, so we all started to shoot around. Then my dad started arguing with my little brother about how to shoot (because he is 12 and knows everything) so when I shot, no one got my rebound and it bounced and hit some woman in the head. She was VERY surprised and indignant. I apologized, but she stared at me like I was a freaking ghost so I walked out of the gym and went home with my family. My brother was pretty salty towards me because he blamed me for us leaving so early. Here's the thing though, we could have played outside on a court but he was too worried about messing up his fancy basketball shoes, so he refused. That's probably good though because I left his basketball in Grace's car three months ago and he still hasn't noticed that it's missing and I'd like to keep it that way. After I showered while listening to my Spotify (thanks Caroline) I went to school to work on an ensemble scene for the district thespian festival. A bunch of families were walking around the school because the all-county orchestra was rehearsing, which was fine because an audience is great, except at one point our scene uses the phrase, "PREMATURE EJACULATOR," which turned out to not be the right thing to say in front of small children and parents. The show went well and now the only other performance we have will be at the competition on Thursday. After the show Grace, Caroline and I went to some Thai restaurant where I
tried

to kiss Grace during a picture but she saw it coming... and then to an abandoned parking lot where they made me film them dancing to Partition for Grace's Snapchat story. Then we harassed fast food workers through the drive-thru. I have to admit that I choked at one point and all I said was "hey cool cat." We jammed to some throwback Jonas Brothers on the way home, so I guess you could say it was pretty lit.

Join Drama Club

So my brother, Joseph, just started sixth grade at Maitland Middle School where he has decided to play band. I get that, I did band in middle school, but we live in a smaller house now and he picked the freaking drums. It's been two weeks and obviously they haven't taught him anything yet, but he won't stop playing. During TV shows, during dinner, during homework... Our room is connected by a bathroom so I can hear him every time he starts playing, which is all the time. Last night, I heard him, so I took out my trombone and started playing until he stopped. Genius. Annoying things happen to me a lot, and more often than not, they're the result of my family. Earlier this week I tried to make popcorn after school on the stove. I found the bag of kernels in the cabinet and pulled it out, but someone (MOM) had forgotten to close it so half the popcorn spilled all over the floor. I cleaned up most of it before the battery died. I took the thing that holds the trash out to empty it, but I accidentally opened it too soon so then the floor was once again covered in popcorn. I decided the easier option was to tell mom that this was her fault, transitively, but that didn't exactly fly. Another example of how my mom makes things difficult is how one time she packed fried chicken for lunch. I wasn't hungry so I tried to through it away in drama class from across the room but I actually hit one of the trophies and broke it, then all 50 kids in the class stared at me. Thanks, mom. I do concede to having flaws, though. Today after drama rehearsal I was going to someone's house to audition for our school's Cappy program (Student theatre critic thing), but first a group of drama kids went to Planet Smoothie, while Miss Schmidt, who was driving us, went to Publix. When we all got back in the car, I may have been confused on why she went to Publix, because when we got to the kid's house to audition for Cappy's, I grabbed the bag of food and took it in, because I assumed it was purchased as snacks for the people auditioning. Well, I was wrong because it turns out that Miss Schmidt was going over to her friends house with food, namely the food that I had just stolen from her. Julia called her mom and told her I'd be standing outside with the food, apologetically.

EDIT:
I'd be remiss not to acknowledge that Kaley Kinson and Greycyn Clark #rekt my ICB essay when they were "proofreading." They told me I spelled my last name wrong. This was nothing compared to the Chem teacher asking us today if we knew what the word 'partially' meant.

A Very Littler Christmas

The time since I've last posted has been devoted to not failing school. Good plan on my part. This week, however, was pretty great because it started with me being sick on Monday which meant plenty of Scandal and Lord how I love Olivia Pope, jeez, Kerry Washington is a freaking goddess. When I got back on Tuesday I knew that I had missed Littler's birthday so I wore a shirt celebrating his slow transition into American society. I bought it at WalMart and has been described by my sister as "please don't wear that." I even printed out a belated birthday card for him and made one in English with Greycyn that incorporated all of our fondest memories as a class. Somehow all of my caring led to me getting blocked from replying on his Edmodo group as if that was somehow distracting! I am quite frankly insulted. Do I love too much? Do I care too deeply? Maybe, but it's not my fault that Littler is an outfit repeater. The next day was yesterday AKA Wednesday, the first day of drama club and rehearsal for the school play. Sophie decided she wasn't 'up for going to school' so she stayed home and I was almost late because I sat around, ready, waiting for her when it turns out she wasn't even planning on attending. In Chemistry that day it turned out that we had a quiz on the notes from Monday, which I didn't have due to me being absent. I failed the quiz, but what really bugged me was that after the quiz our assignment was to color a rainbow for the ENTIRE REST OF THE CLASS. After school, Julia Schmidt and I led drama club in the 600 building lobby (Every Wednesday after school, you think this blog is funny? Drama club is 10/10) and tried to teach itty bitty freshman what improv is. They were adorable. Then, I was told that I would be directing the play, Chushingura, in addition to Mr. Carter. It's like 47 Ronin, the Keanu Reeves movie, except with a tiny change to the cast. The read through of the play took two and a half hours because about an hour was spent trying to figure out how to pronounce all of the Japanese names like Ōboshi Yuranosuke and Nintendo. It wasn't easy. Now we come upon this morning, and I'll tell you what, nothing starts the day of more uniquely than sitting by Caleb in your first period. It is unique. So unique. In English, while we were discussing the summer reading when Greycyn says that we should write a detective novel starring Yasha. "If you want to become a crew kid you have to put on neon orange chubbies and look in the mirror of a boathouse bathroom and say crew row win three times fast," she said. After school, on the ride home I asked my mom what was for dinner, bracing myself for the answer. "Hotdogs," she said. "Oh don't work too hard mom," I said sarcastically. She asked what I'd like for her to make for dinner if I could have anything. "Porkchops," I said. Then for the first time in my life my mom told me she was too Jewish for something. Crazy how that works as an excuse for not doing something you don't want to, maybe, to be annoying, I'll tell mom I'm going full Kosher and need a whole new fridge for my untainted food. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. How does our sense perception determine our perception of the future? No definite answer.

3 days down.

So yesterday morning was the first morning, and certainly not the last, that we were almost late to school. Somehow, mysteriously, my sister's alarm didn't go off so when I was ready to go by seven, she was just rolling out of bed. When I got to school I was going to go to Littler's room but when he saw me he bolted. When I got my books for history, I tried opening my locker, but I neglected to learn my locker number or combination, so between classes I walked into Littler's room and said, "I'll be keeping all of my books in here," and before he could respond I put them down and walked out. I didn't realize over the summer, that I actually might have difficult classes. I was prepared for English and history to be challenging, only because they actually had summer reading, but AP Stats I thought would be a breeze, but I forgot how much I sucked at statistics so I kinda got nervous. Then yesterday we spent most of the class doing percentage problems, which was actually ridiculous and really sets the standard for how much work I expect to do in that class (i.e. none). The other class that is like that is Chemistry, where I forgot how I'd be doing IA's and Group 4 and exams in that class. But on the other hand, yesterday's activity was sketching lab equipment and the teacher treats us like we've just graduated from pre-school; all signs point to easy A. The fact that we've already had two tests in English and history confirms for me the suspicion that those classes will eat up most of my free time. English for me is easy, I'm actually fluent in the language. History, not so much. I may not have finished Guns of August 'completely', but I managed to still get a C on the quiz, which Lord knows I am so completely fine with. I'm pretty much already done with senior year, the only thing that can really keep me going is the High School Musical 3 soundtrack, so thanks for that Zac Efron.

What even is this.

Right now my sister is screaming about her dry mouth which I thought was a good place to start my blog. The last several days, while not having been blogged, have been of some importance because 1. We FINALLY got (our own) cable and WiFi! My mom made me wake up so I could watch some sweaty dude drill holes in the wall 2. I finally got a learner's permit (no, not a driver's license) after failing 3 tests and waiting two and a half years, and 3. I started school today, which I wish was a joke because holy Moses I'm already done with this year. Most kids get senioritis, well I think mine was early onset, possibly congenital. I'll start by saying that every year, getting up on the first morning has been incredibly easy because of nerves and anxiety, but I'll tell ya something: this year, I so don't give a damn because, with all of the summer work, I feel like school started two weeks ago. I have been up to my neck in In Cold Blood and when I finally finish that and come in the first day, I learn the essay isn't due for another week. Meanwhile, Guns of August remains face down, opened to chapter six, which is as far as I've made it thus far. I hate Barbara Tuchman, yesterday I went on her Facebook page and liked it, just so I could unlike it. That is how much I hate her. How come Capote could write a (relatively) interesting and (relatively) factual book, but you just can't seem to get your mind out of the Ö's and the É's like anybody cares about the Kaiser's wife's brother's son who happens to be married to his first cousin! Stick to the facts! I type all this even though I know Barbara Tuchman is actually dead. So this morning I get to school and Sophie insists I take her to her locker, so I do, and I get to my AP Stat's class which was described by Sloan Stephens as, "ripe." TOK jumped in with both feet, having an actual assignment on the first day of school. I played the Appalachian native, Truffles. History I was just hoping she'd say Guns of August was a joke assignment, but she did not. Unfortunate. In English, I told Mr. Farmer that I have a blog. Enough said. I popped into Littler's class during lunch and he threatened to give me a referral if I didn't leave so I booked it and ended up in Chemistry with a new teacher and all of the seniors sitting on one side and all of the juniors filling up the remaining two-thirds. I really expected that class to be a chillaxin' cruisin' kinda class, but I forgot about Group 4 and IA's and IB Exams. So out the window with that. The first thing I told Mr. Ivey was that that period would be 'lit'. In drama the room was packed full of fifty kids who I still think are sophomores because I'm a senior, which is crazy. I went home at the end of the day just really wanting to finish Guns of August. Did I mention I hate that book?G

Today's the day, Gary!

This morning was a rehearsal for school, except my alarm went off at 7:30, which reminded me that getting up for school at 6:30 sucks ass. I got ready for the usual back to school orientation and tried to get there on time, but once again forgot that if I need to be somewhere at eight, I should tell my parents seven forty-five. Rookie mistake. In the car to school, my mom told me what she thought of my blog and then suggested that we write a play together titled, "What to Expect- The Jackass Years." "Thanks, mom," I said and got out of the car. I always hate the back to school thing because you have to be disappointed when you compare schedules and realize that none of your friends are in the same classes and you end up in a debate class with a gang member and a boy named Coquí. WELL NOT THIS YEAR. I actually got classes with people I like and, to top it all off, a top locker. Last year I forgot to bring five dollars for a locker and just kept putting it off until the school year was actually over. This year I made sure to ask mom for money, if that makes me a jackass then so be it. Caroline drove me home and told me she didn't think she'd ever been to my house in the daytime, which is true. That way no one sees the pink monogram of my parents' initials on the front. I spent the next few hours checking Facebook to compare my schedule and trying to focus on summer reading, which is difficult when certain family members are trying to learn how to do the Quan. 

Doctor, Doctor

Now and again, every one of us has to face the aggravating health care system and all of its components, including incompetent nurses and doctors who make you wait for an entire hour to go and pee in a cup. SO yesterday morning my brother asked me if I wanted to go to Einstein's for breakfast, and OF COURSE I wanted to go because I'm not really a cereal kinda guy, so I get dressed and in the car, but, of course, there's a twist. My mom tells me that we have to go see my doctor because my Adderall prescription has run out and needs to be refilled. No biggie. Just gotta pee in a cup. So by the time we all get in the Prius and to the doctor's office, it's more around lunch time, but my mom likes the word brunch because it means cooking one less meal a day. My doctor's office is ironically next to a Steak N Shake which was tantalizing and a proposition that would be considered briefly before being shut down. My mom walks me into the doctors office and leaves me with my phone on 12%. Well, my phone is destroyed so it's more like a normal phone's 3%. I sit behind this pillar which obstructs my view of the receptionist and likewise her view of me. I text on my phone for like 15 minutes before calling my mom and straight up telling her that I'll be going to lunch now. My mom says no and hangs up on me. A little while later I garner the courage to walk up to the receptionist who looks surprised to see me still there. Where would I have gone? It's not like she called my name. She tells me that I should have already gone back because all I needed to do was pee in a cup. I ask her if I can go back yet and she tells me that I have to keep waiting for the doctor, so I do. Finally, some woman hands me a cup, which I pee in and then return. "Have fun with that," I tell her as I walk out the door, down the elevator and to the car. "Great, where is the prescription?" mom asks me. I get out of the car, go back up the elevator and into the office. Some lady waves me over and hands me the prescription which I shove in my pocket as I, once again, return to the car. Mom decides we should eat at Brooklyn Water Bagels, which is actually a really good restaurant. She asks for directions and since my phone is dead, Sophie takes over. Sophie keeps checking Snapchat and can't actually help navigate so mom tells Sophie to give me the phone which leads to Sophie getting mad at mom for her thinking I was smarter. God knows how but we made it to the restaurant and ordered food. The restaurant's logo is "It's all about the water," but Sophie thought it referred to the drinking water and was very confused by the whole experience.

"Let them eat [spaghetti and meatballs]"

Being back in Winter Park is a great feeling because it means that there isn't sand everywhere because Lord knows how I somehow laid down in my bed last week and could feel sand all over the darn place. I woke up late this morning after some vigorous Netflix watching and I decided to continue that by finishing up the latest season of White Collar. I had already slipped back into my regular summer routine of avoiding responsibility so today was a lounge around laissez-faire day. Mom told me to pick up my room a lot today because dad was going to take me to get school supplies once he and my sister were finished at the mall. God grant that man strength because Sophie in a mall is a force to be reckoned with. Before they left I heard her talking with him, "Okay so five hours?" she asked. My dad laughed at that idea, "Fine, three," she countered. Six hours later we met them for dinner at my grandma Sue's house. Once there, a lively discussion on why Bernie Sanders is kick ass ensued. My grandma wants John Kasich to win whom I described as, "The cucumbers of the vegetable platter." I suggested we just vote for Donald Sterling and be done with it. After dinner, dad took me out to Target where I neglected to remember that Seminole County starts tomorrow so Target was jam-packed with moms trying to buy every last notebook. My dad and I went back and forth between the school supplies section and the office supplies section to find what I needed. Those twenty-five cent notebooks are my bread and butter. "How can you need more notebooks than you have classes," dad asked me. "You wouldn't understand," I explained, "You haven't taken a math class in a few years." He also questioned my decision to buy three different types of sticky notes. He just doesn't get me. Back home I was faced with the harsh reality of finding a new Netflix series to watch, Wish me luck on this next leg of my journey.

Red ruby slippers

Yesterday:
AS IT TURNS OUT, ALL I NEEDED TO DO WAS UNPLUG THE MODEM AND THEN PLUG IT RIGHT BACK IN!!!!! So, in summary, I could have had WiFi this entire week but I did not follow the very simple advice of, "Have you tried turning it off and then back on?" Lord almighty I am feeling some very hearty emotions right now. So when we last left our hero, I was on the beach of the King & Prince Resort. My brother insisted that I go in the water even though I didn't have a bathing suit. Whatever, I figured I'd just dry off afterward. Easy-peasy lemon squeezy. Well as it turned out, mom had decided not to bring towels, AND we weren't actually guests at the hotel, so mom calls me over quietly and tries not to make a scene as she explains that we just have to walk home sopping wet, which is a pet peeve of mine. Upon return home, I become bored and try to fix the WiFi one last time by turning it off and then back on. I check my laptop and VOILA! Somehow no one had tried this all week and I finally was able to marathon White Collar again, late into the early morning hours.

Today:
Waking up without Sophie around was already a joy on its own so that fact offset how much I hate having to get up early. Joseph, mom and I packed up the entire car, then Joseph and I rode the bikes that we rented, back to the shop to return them. We waited about five minutes and by that point, had just assumed that mom had forgotten about us when she pulled up with our packed Prius and one-eyed dog in the back seat. We drove out to the local Dunkin Doughnuts where my mom bought us breakfast sandwiches which she referred to as,"Basically brunch," because, "It is already 10:40." After eating mine and trying not to get it all over the place, I fell asleep for the remaining three hours of the drive. When I finally got back to the WP, it was nice to be back in my own room and back to my old unreliable WiFi source. My friend Lauren called and asked to hang out with our friends Jeremy and Lilli so we all went out to Golden Corral where the wonders of the American buffet shone down upon us. Or maybe it was just the reflection of the ceiling lights off of the chocolate fountain. Either way, THEY HAD A COTTON CANDY MACHINE. When we left we played the claw machine but this time I didn't win, Lauren's brother did, and he got one of those spiky little balls. I accidentally dropped it out of the car window, oh well. Back at Lauren's house we went swimming and I smashed my head against the wall because I wasn't looking where I was going, so if none of this blog makes sense, it's because of that. Lauren tried to drive us all home, but her car wouldn't start so we took her mom's which was filled up with gardening supplies for some reason. When I got home I went right to bed because the earlier I went to bed the earlier I could start watching more Netflix.

Whoo!

Mom actually PAID for us to go to the King & Prince Resort('s beach for a day)! Because of this I get to use their WiFi and sit inside as if I'm actually a guest here! So tomorrow we are going to be heading home, and for everything this vacation has been, boring is one thing it hasn't. For the first time in a year, we actually had cable TV, because when we moved a year ago, my parents decided to forgo the option of a cable and WiFi bundle and instead go for neither. This was after discovering our neighbors didn't have a lock on theirs. Their mistake. With the luxury of cable at the vacation home, the TV was constantly tuned to Disney Channel, but for some reason at around nine last night, all of the show started being broadcast in Spanish. Now, with my score of a four on the IB SL Spanish Exam, I was kind of expected to translate. Unfortunately, that being a four out of seven and not, say, a four out of four, my family was out of luck. Last night we went out to a barbecue restaurant that has been "talked up in all the magazines," according to my mother. When we got there, my mom scanned the menu for the salad options, which, not surprisingly, was not extensive. Somehow this surprised my mom that the barbecue restaurant had a mostly meat menu. For me the night was much better because I love barbecue and I even got a cool new hat, although my head isn't really shaped to look good in hats so ya take what you can get, I guess. Early this morning my mom's friend, who was staying with us, took home Sophie, which means the start of my own personal mini vacation! I got up late and my mom had texted me telling me that they were on the beach near the local resort, which, of course, led me to believe she snuck on, but I didn't care because she also said there was free WiFi. When I got there, though, my laptop turned out to be dead so I went inside and watched an interview with Bernie Sanders. I got up to use the bathroom and while there, this guy is washing his hands next to me and he asks, "How's it going?" Who does that?! I didn't realize he was talking to me at first because the cardinal rule of bathroom interactions, is anonymity! Frickin' amateurs, man.

WiFi Down SOS SOS

So it turns out that the house we are staying in, which GUARANTEED WiFi does NOT in fact have working WiFi. It does that thing where it connects but nothing loads, which means all of my entertainment has been reading In Cold Blood and listening to Disney Channel in the next room, literally until one in the morning. Oh yeah, and family time. I'll give a brief recap of the last few days and what has gone down:

Early in the week, my mom, dad, and brother went down to the beach because Joseph wanted to do some body surfing. Sophie was off doing her own thing, which happened to be thinking of more things to complain about. My brother and I went out into the ocean while my parents looked on, I figured this was a good time to act friendly towards him because he was salty towards me for using his ukulele. While in the water I provided Joseph with several helpful metaphors about waves and how they are like plants (because you have to wait for them to grow), and women (because you have to wait for the right one). Joseph tried making a metaphor. "Waves are like hitchhikers," he said, "they're always trying to get a ride." We shared a brotherly moment as we both knew he was a bit confused on how to make metaphors.

On Tuesday, my dad took my brother and I to go play mini-golf, during which I hit the ball off the course about seven times and had to keep starting over. Joseph was insistent that an asterisk was put next to each score where I restarted to denote such. On the last hole, the one where the ball goes through the pipe to the office place, I bet my dad all the money in his pocket that I could get it in one shot just by throwing it. The reason I thought this was because it was sloped inward so anyone could get a hole-in-one, except for Joseph, whose ball stopped on the lip of the hole. All in all, I was the new owner of sixty cents. That being said, I came in last and my dad won. Walking back home, I was bragging to Joseph who gets frustrated when he doesn't win, Karma, being what it is, got revenge as I once again twisted my ankle for the second time in a week. When I got home I laid down and played on the iPad while the rest of my family "bonded".

Yesterday began as crazy as it ended when my mom insisted that my brother and I go down to the beach with her so that we could sit and read. Something about the burning sun and my sprained ankle made me really just want to go swimming instead, so I made Joseph go with me. Of course, we walked straight into the ocean, but the thing was that the tide was out so the depth stayed the same for about one hundred feet. We were pretty far out and only at the knee-deep water when I saw the first one. I fish leaped clean out of the water about 20 feet to the left of me. "Did you see that?" I asked Joseph. All at once a flurry of fish leaped out of the water near us and Joseph screamed, "RUN!" We made it back to the beach and decided to head over towards the tidal pool which looked noticeably more calm. We waded in and got to the middle where I was about shoulder deep, and Joseph was just trying to keep his head up. Suddenly Joseph looks at me and, calmly at first says, "Help, Jacob, Jacob, oh my God." Then he starts to scream and panic, "A jellyfish stung me! AAH AAH AAH AAH!" I Didn't know what to think so I picked him up out of the water and carried him back to the shore, all the while he continued to scream. Onlookers watched what probably looked like a kidnapping as I tried to get him to walk with me. When I explained the situation suggestions for how to deal with the problem came flying at me. I'm sorry man standing on the beach, but we didn't think to bring vinegar with us today! Back where mom was, Joseph had stopped screaming and we packed up and headed home. "Where was he stung," mom asked me. "The teat," I replied. That made Joseph laugh, but he quickly grew sour as I told everyone that I saved his life.

Yesterday night was interesting to listen to as I lay in bed reading In Cold Blood. All of a sudden I start hearing screaming from the bathroom, "Mom help! Help," Sophie shouts. My mother runs to the bathroom door which is locked. "Open the door," she says. "I'm not dressed, I was taking a shower," Sophie replies. It turns out that as Sophie tried flushing the toilet it became clogged, which scared her half to death. Naturally. "Oh no!" Sophie says. As she tried to flush it again the toilet began to overflow and flood the locked bathroom. Sophie runs out, dressed, and yells about how bad it stinks. We head into town to buy a plunger and my mom has to pay Sophie to clean up the mess because Sophie is adamant about never returning to that bathroom. Eventually, it got cleaned up, but to this day Sophie lives in fear of toilets. In an interview conducted today at lunch, she described it as "stop talking to me."

I finally found a spot with WiFi to post this from, more updates to come, so long from the St. Simon's Island Public Library.

Not again

My dad woke me up this morning at eight because we’re going on a week long vacation to St. Simon’s Island in Georgia. I freaked out upon looking at the alarm because I thought I’d be late to camp and then it hit me again that camp is over and I went back to bed. I woke up fifteen minutes later because Sophie was whining about God knows what, so I pulled myself out of bed and packed my backpack with books I probably won’t read, and got in the car. We took two different cars which was a great call by my parents because it means I didn’t have to be with either of my siblings who are riding in the Prius with my mom and dog, Rosebud. My dad and I took the Volvo and were on our way, but Sophie, who was whining about breakfast at the moment, made us stop at Einstein’s. When we stopped there, mom told me that I was her favorite kid right now, which I understood well because my sister is going to spend three more hours complaining about stuff. In the car, we talked about the republican debates and enjoyed a bonding moment over how great Donald Trump is. I fell asleep for the rest of the way there, waking back up only once we went to the Winn Dixie for the most exciting moment of the trip thus far: picking out lunch. Getting to the vacation house I learned that I’d be spending the next week sleeping in the same room as my brother and sister which made me literally want to vomit. In addition to the heat, humidity and ever-present sensation of being in the Bible Belt, the WiFi didn’t work which means all I can do on my laptop is summer homework. My mom and I took a walk to the bike rental place but on the way I twisted my ankle and then our cards were declined because we didn’t know how to verify the out-of-state charges over the phone. Back at the rental house I went to the bedroom to do some work and relax because God knows I needed to. A couple hour later my mom walks in and sees someone’s pile of tissues on the dresser and asks if they’re mine, with an accusing tone. “Definitely not mine,” I tell her. Solitude is a comfort when it comes to family vacations, until dinner when I was forced to be with my family. My sister immediately started complaining that we were eating steak because “it’s cannibalism.” Shortly after she exploded because she wasn’t allowed to get her hair colored so once again I made a hasty retreat back to the room to avoid conflict. I would not allow myself to be caught in the middle like some sort of Belgium. The rest of the night was devoted to learning the ukulele.

My heart will go on: I never saw Titanic

Even as I write this I am emotionally and physically exhausted from the most difficult day of all this summer. No campers were hitting each other and no one got lost (for too long), but it was really difficult to let go of all the kids I came to know and love this summer. I got into work where immediately things felt different, a sense of nostalgia for the beginning of summer was apparent. The entire morning was dominated by drama within the staff, which took away from the day as a whole, but nonetheless it came to a head as the groups split up to practice their talent show dances for the final time. My kids were in a room with one other group; we went up to the front of the room and started dancing to Watch Me. I messed around the entire time and did some ridiculous dance moves that made my kids laugh hysterically every time they looked back and saw me. They made me promise not to do anything embarrassing during the actual talent show. On stage at the end of the day, our kids were fantastic but for some reason, really off-center. We had always practiced them coming on from opposite sides but the couldn't because one wing was filled so they all entered from one side but didn't spread all the way out and it ended up clumping on one side. Regardless, a wonderful job was done and I was proud of each and every one of those children. Then, the assistant counselors danced to a High School Musical medley that I could describe or just post here. The talent show ended and parents began picking up their kids for the last time. It was a heartfelt moment during which many cried, except me. I was fine until I walked one of my favorite campers to her car and closed the door, I told her that I'd miss her and she told me that she loves me, to which I replied, "I love you too." I almost cried, but held myself together for the sake of all of the other counselors. The rest of the day was pretty much insignificant because I did aftercare and went home. My dad's business had just completed their second "Think-A-Thon" which is where they do 26.2 straight hours of work for a pro bono client, but what it meant for me was that dad was going to be bringing home food. Spaghetti and meatballs from Buca Di Beppo and donuts and biscottis were all on the menu for dinner and I dined like a king. Upon turning on my phone I realized that I forgot that I was supposed to hang out with my friend Lauren tonight so I went to Park Avenue with her and her brother and hung out till going home for a well deserved night of sleep.

One day more

What a day today was. I woke up and forgot that on field trip days I have to be at camp early, so I rushed out of the house and stared at the clock the entire way there. Then I learned that I didn't actually have to be there for another fifteen minutes, and I'm not one of those people who likes to arrive early for things so I didn't even pretend to be happy about the fifteen extra minutes I could have slept for. All morning we prepared for our field trip to Semoran Skateway which included all kids from second to ninth grade. Trying to find all of the kids skates to wear was a huge pain, but the real pain was caused by the kids unto themselves because none of them could really skate. On of my campers fell every single time he got back up, even when he was just on the carpet. It really cracked us up so we gave him an award to make up for that. While we were there we requested all sorts of songs that we could dance to, mostly because we rented the place out so there was no one to laugh at the all-white staff doing the wobble. Injuries galore occurred while we skated, which was expected; one little girl hurt her ankle and was crying, so I picked her up and carried her back to my boss, then her counselor said, "Hey Jacob, my ankle's broken too!" On the way back to camp I sat in the back of the bus with some of the loudest kids at camp, I actually got a headache after being asked 25,000 times why we can't watch a movie on the 15-minute ride back. At camp, I continued my reign as the best foosball player as I dominated against eight-year old's. Aftercare was long and uneventful because everyone was tired after skating, and we all knew camp was almost over. Instead of having a staff outing yesterday, we had a staff banquet tonight which took place in the very fancy and exclusive club: the youth room in the back of the JCC. Beforehand, all of the guys got ready in the locker rooms. One of my friends said something about not having enough soap so I took some of my underwear, loaded it up with soap, and flung it into the shower he was in. "Incoming soap!" I warned. A night of sentiment took place as everyone was recognized, I was even called "goofy" by my boss. Not sure how to feel about that. Staff superlatives were awarded and I got 'Camp Comedian' which is basically the same as last year's award of 'Silliest Staff'. It even kept with the alliteration. Also at camp, there is a program called the 'All-American Counselor Challenge' which I thought would be competition based, but turned out to actually test your skills as an employee because the program was about demonstrating all eight pillars of being a good counselor. On the first award I got, my name was spelled 'Jacob Fried' which my boss felt awful about and corrected by the next day. Today when I was given a certification of completion, I found it funny that once again he had misspelled my name. "No, I didn't," he said, "read it." I read it and it said, "This award hereby fails to recognize Jacob Fried because no one by that name competed in Camp J's All-American Counselor Challenge." Then my boss gave me the real award and I was actually pretty happy about it. The night ended with a slideshow, in which none of my selfies were included. I rode home and listened to The Jacob Freid Experience before getting ready to finally go to sleep.

Drama Queen

In an exciting turn of events my dad had a meeting next to where I work so he drove me this morning, and then later in the day, the room we were in with the kids had a window and my dad saw me and walked over to meet all of my kids. They all went crazy and mobbed him, I talk to my parents a lot about my kids so I tried to introduce them all by name, but they came up in scores and eventually I just told my dad I had to get back to work. All of my kids told me I look nothing like him and that he looks "younger" than I do. On this day, the second to last day of camp, one of our favorite campers left because she's going on vacation to the beach. Being great and all, she brought in brownies for her counselors and it was a very sad goodbye that just reminded me how much I'll miss camp, despite how tough it is to work all summer long. One thing I really liked about this camper was that she didn't pretend to be allergic to me, which is a real plus in my book. Many other girls continue to pretend they are, but I told them that I'm sure the pre-school has room for a few extra babies. What really got them was when I told them I'd have to crush up their Goldfish because they were too big to eat; then medical science cured them of their allergy. In Israeli Culture, the children made what were referred to as 'Chocolate Balls'. I'm not sure what this had to do with Israel, but they were so great, and many jokes about balls were made during the period. When it was time to go, the kids had to put their balls on a tray that would go into the refrigerator; as per usual, it took a long time, so I said to the kids, "stop touching your balls!" The entire day went easily because all the kids wanted to do was watch me do improv scenes with the other counselors. In reality, all they wanted to see was me ask other guys to marry me. Aside from that, the majority of my day was spent taking selfies with campers and trying to get them to actually smile in a picture with me. It was not easy. At the end of the day I realized I didn't have anyone to drive me home, so I called my grandpa and waited in the lobby. A short time later, the lady at the front desk came out and said, "there is a car outside honking, so if anyone is waiting for a-" Before she finished I knew it was my grandpa because getting out of the car and walking inside is just not his style, so long as he could just honk the horn. He drove me back to my grandma's house where mom picked me up. Sophie and two of her friends were there, along with my dog, Rosebud. Sophie got out to sit in the back with her friends, but the three seats were filled because Rosebud was taking up one. In a dramatic show of protest, Sophie climbed in the trunk and told my mother that she treats our dog like a princess. Back at our house, Sophie and her friends made short work of my leftovers and then I retired to my chambers.

Im(pro)v

Today was, what we at camp refer to as, Tubular Tuesday. Every few weeks we have a themed dress up day and today was the last one of camp. I have dressed from the future for decades day and today, for the theme of 'What do you want to be when you grow up?', I dressed as a male model. It was by far the most unique costume out there. I cut some old jeans into j-orts for casual wear, I turned one jean leg into a fie and one into a bandana, then I cut the sleeves off of an old button-down and put it all together with high socks and some basketball shoes. This was assembled in the thirty minutes allocated for getting ready in the morning before going to work. It was met with praise and a few "typical Jacob"s. When camp began we, meaning my co-counselor Hailey, decided that instead of doing the same games we normally do, I'm going to go up in front of the children and act out an improv scene. It's not like I really needed time to prepare, it being improvised and all, so I hopped right into it. I pulled in a couple of other counselors and CITs and the kids were dying laughing. In one scene I tried to learn ballet and then proposed to my ballet instructor, played by another male counselor. Another scene involved three things that the audience requested, night, dog treats, and a cart wheel. The scene started with me rolling a cart full of dog treats up a hill at night. The cart wheel breaks and I find a cat and things devolve quickly. In the room we were in, there were doors on either side and as I picked up my friend, who played the cat, I opened one of the doors that led to another room, and pushed him out the door and in to the next room. What I had not foreseen was that the room would be occupied, and a bunch of middle-age preschool teachers would be staring at me wide-eyed, mouths agape. I apologized and ran out, back in the room with my kids they were cracking themselves up to see me make that mistake. The last scene we did involved this weird undercover cop scenario where my partner hand cuffed me and the thief got away, but not before one of my kids stood up and grabbed him, then demanded a high five for her brilliant work. Finally it was time for the show the theatre department had been working on for four weeks, but it took them a while to get ready so we did another improv scene in front of the whole camp. This one took place before my date where I was brushing my arm hair. Afterwards the same child kept coming up to me asking to brush my arm hair. In after care I went to grab my co-counselors back pack from the gym and took what I thought was her bag. I looked around an found another one exactly like it, lying next to our clipboard. I looked to the only other kid on the bleachers and asked if the backpack I was holding was his. "Yeah," he replied. I didn't hear him and asked again. "Yeah," he said louder. "Oh," I said, "then why did you let me take it?" He looked confused. I handed the bag back to him and apologized for breaking the zipper in the fifteen seconds I had it for. After a long day at work I got home where my mother had laid out the clothes for my date with her tonight. I ignored them and dressed myself but she said I was handsome regardless. We drove to Hillstone where I more than anything expected to see my friend Baxter who practically lives there. My mom and I talked for a while about camp and my friends and whatnot; the food was delicious and some of it is now in my fridge, excited to be eaten tomorrow for lunch. When the bill came I gentlemanly picked it up and walked my mother back to the car, of course she made one of the valets take a picture of us because she's all about her Instagram. Back at home I was excited to see a letter had arrived containing an OFFICIAL Bernie Sanders bumper sticker that my dad said was not allowed on the car.

Doo doo theatre

Of course Sophie decided this morning that she just HAD to be up at the butt crack of dawn to go watch her friend take a driving test so at seven o'clock she busted into my room and demanded I get up. I groggily argued but have no general recollection of what was said. All I remember is waking up 45 minutes later and going to work like usual. I feel it necessary to mention that today I wore socks that looked like gators eating my legs, they were a big hit among the children. In the morning, it began to drizzle and soon picked up into a storm so the majority of our day was inside. The first thing we did was prepare for our talent show where our group of younguns had chosen to do the song Watch Me by Silento. It's quite a sight to see, but when I opened Spotify, it asked me if I'd like to continue playing music on 'Caroline's iPhone' which I did not. As soon as I clicked the switch button, her music started playing on my phone and now I'm worried that one day a song will end up starting on my phone at a more explicit part in front of children, my mother, or my rabbi. Lunch was inside and was pizza so who could complain about that, afterward however, we tie-dyed shirts for the kids and I got it all over my staff shirt and kids wouldn't stop pointing it out. In drama it was pointed out that "I do do theatre," which was a joke originating with a counselor who, after demonstrating something in drama, flirtatiously told the CIT that, "she used to do theatre." Now I go around telling everyone that "I do do theater," while speaking in a British accent. One kid told me that 'do do theater' sounds like theater that isn't very good. In drama class today, the specialist asked all of us what our favorite part of summer was and all of the kids went, and then I tried to talk about how much the kids meant to me but they literally just said "blah blah blah," and ignored me. My other favorite part of summer was starting a blog and one little girl said to me, "you should put me in it because I'm a big part of your life!" My last Monday at camp this year ended spectacularly with me winning a game of H-O-R-S-E and getting chic-fil-a. Pretty much life goals, amirite ladies? I got home and my brother resentfully ate a microwaved hot dog while I enjoyed some crispy chicken nugs. The remainder of the evening was spent watching magic tricks and wishing I had gone to sleep earlier.

Back to the daily grind

I awoke on the hard floor of the Waldorf Astoria and climbed upon a bed and slept for a couple of more hours. When I woke up it was just my sister and I in the hotel room and my immediate reaction was "oh hell no, I've gotta get out of here!" Breakfast consisted of a blueberry muffin and coffee as I made my way out to the body surfing place, where a bunch of 11-year-old's showed off their tricks while I managed to barely hang on with water hitting me below the belt right as I fell off. That was the end to my body surfing endeavor, and in part because it was time to pack up the room. My siblings were amazed that the hotel actually sent people up to get our bags instead of us bringing them down ourselves. For lunch, we again found ourselves dissatisfied with a couple restaurants before finally choosing one, and by this I mean mom found ourselves dissatisfied with them. I enjoyed a lunch of tilapia but soon after my throat started to hurt as we went home and I became worried that over the course of lunch I had suddenly developed and allergy to fish. I realized I hadn't and I was being dramatic unless the allergy is just waiting for the chance to strike and kill me. The car ride home was long but can be summed up briefly with the idea that it is not easy to annotate a book while sitting in the crowded backseat of a moving Prius. The first place we went when we got back home was to our grandma's house to celebrate my mom's fiftieth birthday. She got a gold ring with a bee on it from my dad and a hat from my brother. Dinner was pizza and salad, with Food Network on in the background to spice things up. My brother's friends came over and I walked all of them around the neighborhood looking for a basketball hoop to play on. My brother rang another friend's doorbell, but no one answered because they were probably eating dinner. "That's rude," he remarked. We walked back to my grandma's just in time to see our car pulling out of the driveway and peeling off down the street. Apparently they had gone to pick us up but we were already back so everyone was just confused. Upon our arrival home, my brother started crying and my mom asked what was wrong, he replied, "I don't want to fight in the army." Okay? Everyone was tired from the active weekend, but then, me being an extrovert and all, I went out with Caroline and Olivia and we bought dozen doughnuts. One was brought to Baxter who showed us his nifty retainer. Olivia drove back to the parking garage where Caroline's car was located as we swapped stories about the last time we had gotten the stomach bug. Caroline then drove me home, but not before finding my dad on twitter and reading some of his more interesting tweets to me. Then I went to bed after watching magic tricks on my computer, because it was that kind of night.

Pray 4 me

So I had forgotten that today we would be traveling out to Boca Raton to stay in the fancy schmancy Waldorf Hotel. In fact I had forgotten about it when I fell asleep last night when I got home so when I woke up at seven, I had to pack my bag and make sure nothing was forgotten, or I'd be going commando this weekend, and I was not about to do that. The drive there was uncharacteristically peaceful as my family squished and squirmed in our Prius down towards the 3-0-5. The tranquility was caused by my sister being asleep most of the way there because as soon as she woke up she started talking like she was a Hispanic woman. In Cold Blood had to wait until I could get away from Sophie, who started off our trip by managing to piss all of us off to the point where Joseph wanted to hang out with me instead. At lunch she complained the entire time about how things weren't going her way, and then she demanded that my parents pay her $40 in money they "owe her" after having flown her to California and back for her own private vacation. We needed a break so Joseph and I went to the game room at the hotel where we could check out NBA 2k14 for the XBOX One. This was a rarity for us because it didn't even compare to the antique graphics of the game cube. The lady who ran the game room walked by us and warned, "ten more minutes." I looked at Joseph who gave me a 'did you know about this?' face. We headed off to the beach but not before we had run into dad and Sophie, who told us that we were going back to the pool and to try to Flow Rider, which was like a wave machine that you could surf on. We were all in line to go on when my dad feels the rain and decides to leave. My brother takes his place in front of some random 10-year-old who looks at him and says, "dude. line." My brother makes a face like 'but my dad was here and we're just switching spots so it's not really cutting'. Unfortunately, he couldn't put that into words because strangers frighten him, so he went to the back of the line. Soon, each kid had gone several times and was tired and hungry so we headed out to eat. As we waited for the car, I asked my mom, "do you think the valet has met our rat friends yet?" "The rats are gone," my mom replied. "We don't know that for sure," I said. We tried two different restaurants before we found one that could seat us. It was called 'Flanigan's' and our family, well dressed and showered, were out of place there. I ordered a half rack of ribs that ended up being shared with Sophie because all of her whinings about not liking the food she ordered. After a long day, we checked back in at the Waldorf and headed up to our two-bed room. Ahh, at last, it was time to argue about who slept where. Joseph tried to take the floor, but dad altruistically said he wanted it. Sophie wasted no time hopping into one of the beds while I decided to also sleep on the floor because the alternative was sharing a bed with Sophie and I'm just not ready for that. The sleeping arrangements ended up with mom and dad in one bed, Sophie on the other, ans myself and Joseph on the floor. Mom's birthday is Sunday so Tuesday I'm taking her out to dinner at Hillstone, because I'm a better child than Sophie at least.