3 days down.

So yesterday morning was the first morning, and certainly not the last, that we were almost late to school. Somehow, mysteriously, my sister's alarm didn't go off so when I was ready to go by seven, she was just rolling out of bed. When I got to school I was going to go to Littler's room but when he saw me he bolted. When I got my books for history, I tried opening my locker, but I neglected to learn my locker number or combination, so between classes I walked into Littler's room and said, "I'll be keeping all of my books in here," and before he could respond I put them down and walked out. I didn't realize over the summer, that I actually might have difficult classes. I was prepared for English and history to be challenging, only because they actually had summer reading, but AP Stats I thought would be a breeze, but I forgot how much I sucked at statistics so I kinda got nervous. Then yesterday we spent most of the class doing percentage problems, which was actually ridiculous and really sets the standard for how much work I expect to do in that class (i.e. none). The other class that is like that is Chemistry, where I forgot how I'd be doing IA's and Group 4 and exams in that class. But on the other hand, yesterday's activity was sketching lab equipment and the teacher treats us like we've just graduated from pre-school; all signs point to easy A. The fact that we've already had two tests in English and history confirms for me the suspicion that those classes will eat up most of my free time. English for me is easy, I'm actually fluent in the language. History, not so much. I may not have finished Guns of August 'completely', but I managed to still get a C on the quiz, which Lord knows I am so completely fine with. I'm pretty much already done with senior year, the only thing that can really keep me going is the High School Musical 3 soundtrack, so thanks for that Zac Efron.

What even is this.

Right now my sister is screaming about her dry mouth which I thought was a good place to start my blog. The last several days, while not having been blogged, have been of some importance because 1. We FINALLY got (our own) cable and WiFi! My mom made me wake up so I could watch some sweaty dude drill holes in the wall 2. I finally got a learner's permit (no, not a driver's license) after failing 3 tests and waiting two and a half years, and 3. I started school today, which I wish was a joke because holy Moses I'm already done with this year. Most kids get senioritis, well I think mine was early onset, possibly congenital. I'll start by saying that every year, getting up on the first morning has been incredibly easy because of nerves and anxiety, but I'll tell ya something: this year, I so don't give a damn because, with all of the summer work, I feel like school started two weeks ago. I have been up to my neck in In Cold Blood and when I finally finish that and come in the first day, I learn the essay isn't due for another week. Meanwhile, Guns of August remains face down, opened to chapter six, which is as far as I've made it thus far. I hate Barbara Tuchman, yesterday I went on her Facebook page and liked it, just so I could unlike it. That is how much I hate her. How come Capote could write a (relatively) interesting and (relatively) factual book, but you just can't seem to get your mind out of the Ö's and the É's like anybody cares about the Kaiser's wife's brother's son who happens to be married to his first cousin! Stick to the facts! I type all this even though I know Barbara Tuchman is actually dead. So this morning I get to school and Sophie insists I take her to her locker, so I do, and I get to my AP Stat's class which was described by Sloan Stephens as, "ripe." TOK jumped in with both feet, having an actual assignment on the first day of school. I played the Appalachian native, Truffles. History I was just hoping she'd say Guns of August was a joke assignment, but she did not. Unfortunate. In English, I told Mr. Farmer that I have a blog. Enough said. I popped into Littler's class during lunch and he threatened to give me a referral if I didn't leave so I booked it and ended up in Chemistry with a new teacher and all of the seniors sitting on one side and all of the juniors filling up the remaining two-thirds. I really expected that class to be a chillaxin' cruisin' kinda class, but I forgot about Group 4 and IA's and IB Exams. So out the window with that. The first thing I told Mr. Ivey was that that period would be 'lit'. In drama the room was packed full of fifty kids who I still think are sophomores because I'm a senior, which is crazy. I went home at the end of the day just really wanting to finish Guns of August. Did I mention I hate that book?G

Today's the day, Gary!

This morning was a rehearsal for school, except my alarm went off at 7:30, which reminded me that getting up for school at 6:30 sucks ass. I got ready for the usual back to school orientation and tried to get there on time, but once again forgot that if I need to be somewhere at eight, I should tell my parents seven forty-five. Rookie mistake. In the car to school, my mom told me what she thought of my blog and then suggested that we write a play together titled, "What to Expect- The Jackass Years." "Thanks, mom," I said and got out of the car. I always hate the back to school thing because you have to be disappointed when you compare schedules and realize that none of your friends are in the same classes and you end up in a debate class with a gang member and a boy named Coquí. WELL NOT THIS YEAR. I actually got classes with people I like and, to top it all off, a top locker. Last year I forgot to bring five dollars for a locker and just kept putting it off until the school year was actually over. This year I made sure to ask mom for money, if that makes me a jackass then so be it. Caroline drove me home and told me she didn't think she'd ever been to my house in the daytime, which is true. That way no one sees the pink monogram of my parents' initials on the front. I spent the next few hours checking Facebook to compare my schedule and trying to focus on summer reading, which is difficult when certain family members are trying to learn how to do the Quan. 

Doctor, Doctor

Now and again, every one of us has to face the aggravating health care system and all of its components, including incompetent nurses and doctors who make you wait for an entire hour to go and pee in a cup. SO yesterday morning my brother asked me if I wanted to go to Einstein's for breakfast, and OF COURSE I wanted to go because I'm not really a cereal kinda guy, so I get dressed and in the car, but, of course, there's a twist. My mom tells me that we have to go see my doctor because my Adderall prescription has run out and needs to be refilled. No biggie. Just gotta pee in a cup. So by the time we all get in the Prius and to the doctor's office, it's more around lunch time, but my mom likes the word brunch because it means cooking one less meal a day. My doctor's office is ironically next to a Steak N Shake which was tantalizing and a proposition that would be considered briefly before being shut down. My mom walks me into the doctors office and leaves me with my phone on 12%. Well, my phone is destroyed so it's more like a normal phone's 3%. I sit behind this pillar which obstructs my view of the receptionist and likewise her view of me. I text on my phone for like 15 minutes before calling my mom and straight up telling her that I'll be going to lunch now. My mom says no and hangs up on me. A little while later I garner the courage to walk up to the receptionist who looks surprised to see me still there. Where would I have gone? It's not like she called my name. She tells me that I should have already gone back because all I needed to do was pee in a cup. I ask her if I can go back yet and she tells me that I have to keep waiting for the doctor, so I do. Finally, some woman hands me a cup, which I pee in and then return. "Have fun with that," I tell her as I walk out the door, down the elevator and to the car. "Great, where is the prescription?" mom asks me. I get out of the car, go back up the elevator and into the office. Some lady waves me over and hands me the prescription which I shove in my pocket as I, once again, return to the car. Mom decides we should eat at Brooklyn Water Bagels, which is actually a really good restaurant. She asks for directions and since my phone is dead, Sophie takes over. Sophie keeps checking Snapchat and can't actually help navigate so mom tells Sophie to give me the phone which leads to Sophie getting mad at mom for her thinking I was smarter. God knows how but we made it to the restaurant and ordered food. The restaurant's logo is "It's all about the water," but Sophie thought it referred to the drinking water and was very confused by the whole experience.

"Let them eat [spaghetti and meatballs]"

Being back in Winter Park is a great feeling because it means that there isn't sand everywhere because Lord knows how I somehow laid down in my bed last week and could feel sand all over the darn place. I woke up late this morning after some vigorous Netflix watching and I decided to continue that by finishing up the latest season of White Collar. I had already slipped back into my regular summer routine of avoiding responsibility so today was a lounge around laissez-faire day. Mom told me to pick up my room a lot today because dad was going to take me to get school supplies once he and my sister were finished at the mall. God grant that man strength because Sophie in a mall is a force to be reckoned with. Before they left I heard her talking with him, "Okay so five hours?" she asked. My dad laughed at that idea, "Fine, three," she countered. Six hours later we met them for dinner at my grandma Sue's house. Once there, a lively discussion on why Bernie Sanders is kick ass ensued. My grandma wants John Kasich to win whom I described as, "The cucumbers of the vegetable platter." I suggested we just vote for Donald Sterling and be done with it. After dinner, dad took me out to Target where I neglected to remember that Seminole County starts tomorrow so Target was jam-packed with moms trying to buy every last notebook. My dad and I went back and forth between the school supplies section and the office supplies section to find what I needed. Those twenty-five cent notebooks are my bread and butter. "How can you need more notebooks than you have classes," dad asked me. "You wouldn't understand," I explained, "You haven't taken a math class in a few years." He also questioned my decision to buy three different types of sticky notes. He just doesn't get me. Back home I was faced with the harsh reality of finding a new Netflix series to watch, Wish me luck on this next leg of my journey.

Red ruby slippers

Yesterday:
AS IT TURNS OUT, ALL I NEEDED TO DO WAS UNPLUG THE MODEM AND THEN PLUG IT RIGHT BACK IN!!!!! So, in summary, I could have had WiFi this entire week but I did not follow the very simple advice of, "Have you tried turning it off and then back on?" Lord almighty I am feeling some very hearty emotions right now. So when we last left our hero, I was on the beach of the King & Prince Resort. My brother insisted that I go in the water even though I didn't have a bathing suit. Whatever, I figured I'd just dry off afterward. Easy-peasy lemon squeezy. Well as it turned out, mom had decided not to bring towels, AND we weren't actually guests at the hotel, so mom calls me over quietly and tries not to make a scene as she explains that we just have to walk home sopping wet, which is a pet peeve of mine. Upon return home, I become bored and try to fix the WiFi one last time by turning it off and then back on. I check my laptop and VOILA! Somehow no one had tried this all week and I finally was able to marathon White Collar again, late into the early morning hours.

Today:
Waking up without Sophie around was already a joy on its own so that fact offset how much I hate having to get up early. Joseph, mom and I packed up the entire car, then Joseph and I rode the bikes that we rented, back to the shop to return them. We waited about five minutes and by that point, had just assumed that mom had forgotten about us when she pulled up with our packed Prius and one-eyed dog in the back seat. We drove out to the local Dunkin Doughnuts where my mom bought us breakfast sandwiches which she referred to as,"Basically brunch," because, "It is already 10:40." After eating mine and trying not to get it all over the place, I fell asleep for the remaining three hours of the drive. When I finally got back to the WP, it was nice to be back in my own room and back to my old unreliable WiFi source. My friend Lauren called and asked to hang out with our friends Jeremy and Lilli so we all went out to Golden Corral where the wonders of the American buffet shone down upon us. Or maybe it was just the reflection of the ceiling lights off of the chocolate fountain. Either way, THEY HAD A COTTON CANDY MACHINE. When we left we played the claw machine but this time I didn't win, Lauren's brother did, and he got one of those spiky little balls. I accidentally dropped it out of the car window, oh well. Back at Lauren's house we went swimming and I smashed my head against the wall because I wasn't looking where I was going, so if none of this blog makes sense, it's because of that. Lauren tried to drive us all home, but her car wouldn't start so we took her mom's which was filled up with gardening supplies for some reason. When I got home I went right to bed because the earlier I went to bed the earlier I could start watching more Netflix.

Whoo!

Mom actually PAID for us to go to the King & Prince Resort('s beach for a day)! Because of this I get to use their WiFi and sit inside as if I'm actually a guest here! So tomorrow we are going to be heading home, and for everything this vacation has been, boring is one thing it hasn't. For the first time in a year, we actually had cable TV, because when we moved a year ago, my parents decided to forgo the option of a cable and WiFi bundle and instead go for neither. This was after discovering our neighbors didn't have a lock on theirs. Their mistake. With the luxury of cable at the vacation home, the TV was constantly tuned to Disney Channel, but for some reason at around nine last night, all of the show started being broadcast in Spanish. Now, with my score of a four on the IB SL Spanish Exam, I was kind of expected to translate. Unfortunately, that being a four out of seven and not, say, a four out of four, my family was out of luck. Last night we went out to a barbecue restaurant that has been "talked up in all the magazines," according to my mother. When we got there, my mom scanned the menu for the salad options, which, not surprisingly, was not extensive. Somehow this surprised my mom that the barbecue restaurant had a mostly meat menu. For me the night was much better because I love barbecue and I even got a cool new hat, although my head isn't really shaped to look good in hats so ya take what you can get, I guess. Early this morning my mom's friend, who was staying with us, took home Sophie, which means the start of my own personal mini vacation! I got up late and my mom had texted me telling me that they were on the beach near the local resort, which, of course, led me to believe she snuck on, but I didn't care because she also said there was free WiFi. When I got there, though, my laptop turned out to be dead so I went inside and watched an interview with Bernie Sanders. I got up to use the bathroom and while there, this guy is washing his hands next to me and he asks, "How's it going?" Who does that?! I didn't realize he was talking to me at first because the cardinal rule of bathroom interactions, is anonymity! Frickin' amateurs, man.

WiFi Down SOS SOS

So it turns out that the house we are staying in, which GUARANTEED WiFi does NOT in fact have working WiFi. It does that thing where it connects but nothing loads, which means all of my entertainment has been reading In Cold Blood and listening to Disney Channel in the next room, literally until one in the morning. Oh yeah, and family time. I'll give a brief recap of the last few days and what has gone down:

Early in the week, my mom, dad, and brother went down to the beach because Joseph wanted to do some body surfing. Sophie was off doing her own thing, which happened to be thinking of more things to complain about. My brother and I went out into the ocean while my parents looked on, I figured this was a good time to act friendly towards him because he was salty towards me for using his ukulele. While in the water I provided Joseph with several helpful metaphors about waves and how they are like plants (because you have to wait for them to grow), and women (because you have to wait for the right one). Joseph tried making a metaphor. "Waves are like hitchhikers," he said, "they're always trying to get a ride." We shared a brotherly moment as we both knew he was a bit confused on how to make metaphors.

On Tuesday, my dad took my brother and I to go play mini-golf, during which I hit the ball off the course about seven times and had to keep starting over. Joseph was insistent that an asterisk was put next to each score where I restarted to denote such. On the last hole, the one where the ball goes through the pipe to the office place, I bet my dad all the money in his pocket that I could get it in one shot just by throwing it. The reason I thought this was because it was sloped inward so anyone could get a hole-in-one, except for Joseph, whose ball stopped on the lip of the hole. All in all, I was the new owner of sixty cents. That being said, I came in last and my dad won. Walking back home, I was bragging to Joseph who gets frustrated when he doesn't win, Karma, being what it is, got revenge as I once again twisted my ankle for the second time in a week. When I got home I laid down and played on the iPad while the rest of my family "bonded".

Yesterday began as crazy as it ended when my mom insisted that my brother and I go down to the beach with her so that we could sit and read. Something about the burning sun and my sprained ankle made me really just want to go swimming instead, so I made Joseph go with me. Of course, we walked straight into the ocean, but the thing was that the tide was out so the depth stayed the same for about one hundred feet. We were pretty far out and only at the knee-deep water when I saw the first one. I fish leaped clean out of the water about 20 feet to the left of me. "Did you see that?" I asked Joseph. All at once a flurry of fish leaped out of the water near us and Joseph screamed, "RUN!" We made it back to the beach and decided to head over towards the tidal pool which looked noticeably more calm. We waded in and got to the middle where I was about shoulder deep, and Joseph was just trying to keep his head up. Suddenly Joseph looks at me and, calmly at first says, "Help, Jacob, Jacob, oh my God." Then he starts to scream and panic, "A jellyfish stung me! AAH AAH AAH AAH!" I Didn't know what to think so I picked him up out of the water and carried him back to the shore, all the while he continued to scream. Onlookers watched what probably looked like a kidnapping as I tried to get him to walk with me. When I explained the situation suggestions for how to deal with the problem came flying at me. I'm sorry man standing on the beach, but we didn't think to bring vinegar with us today! Back where mom was, Joseph had stopped screaming and we packed up and headed home. "Where was he stung," mom asked me. "The teat," I replied. That made Joseph laugh, but he quickly grew sour as I told everyone that I saved his life.

Yesterday night was interesting to listen to as I lay in bed reading In Cold Blood. All of a sudden I start hearing screaming from the bathroom, "Mom help! Help," Sophie shouts. My mother runs to the bathroom door which is locked. "Open the door," she says. "I'm not dressed, I was taking a shower," Sophie replies. It turns out that as Sophie tried flushing the toilet it became clogged, which scared her half to death. Naturally. "Oh no!" Sophie says. As she tried to flush it again the toilet began to overflow and flood the locked bathroom. Sophie runs out, dressed, and yells about how bad it stinks. We head into town to buy a plunger and my mom has to pay Sophie to clean up the mess because Sophie is adamant about never returning to that bathroom. Eventually, it got cleaned up, but to this day Sophie lives in fear of toilets. In an interview conducted today at lunch, she described it as "stop talking to me."

I finally found a spot with WiFi to post this from, more updates to come, so long from the St. Simon's Island Public Library.

Not again

My dad woke me up this morning at eight because we’re going on a week long vacation to St. Simon’s Island in Georgia. I freaked out upon looking at the alarm because I thought I’d be late to camp and then it hit me again that camp is over and I went back to bed. I woke up fifteen minutes later because Sophie was whining about God knows what, so I pulled myself out of bed and packed my backpack with books I probably won’t read, and got in the car. We took two different cars which was a great call by my parents because it means I didn’t have to be with either of my siblings who are riding in the Prius with my mom and dog, Rosebud. My dad and I took the Volvo and were on our way, but Sophie, who was whining about breakfast at the moment, made us stop at Einstein’s. When we stopped there, mom told me that I was her favorite kid right now, which I understood well because my sister is going to spend three more hours complaining about stuff. In the car, we talked about the republican debates and enjoyed a bonding moment over how great Donald Trump is. I fell asleep for the rest of the way there, waking back up only once we went to the Winn Dixie for the most exciting moment of the trip thus far: picking out lunch. Getting to the vacation house I learned that I’d be spending the next week sleeping in the same room as my brother and sister which made me literally want to vomit. In addition to the heat, humidity and ever-present sensation of being in the Bible Belt, the WiFi didn’t work which means all I can do on my laptop is summer homework. My mom and I took a walk to the bike rental place but on the way I twisted my ankle and then our cards were declined because we didn’t know how to verify the out-of-state charges over the phone. Back at the rental house I went to the bedroom to do some work and relax because God knows I needed to. A couple hour later my mom walks in and sees someone’s pile of tissues on the dresser and asks if they’re mine, with an accusing tone. “Definitely not mine,” I tell her. Solitude is a comfort when it comes to family vacations, until dinner when I was forced to be with my family. My sister immediately started complaining that we were eating steak because “it’s cannibalism.” Shortly after she exploded because she wasn’t allowed to get her hair colored so once again I made a hasty retreat back to the room to avoid conflict. I would not allow myself to be caught in the middle like some sort of Belgium. The rest of the night was devoted to learning the ukulele.

My heart will go on: I never saw Titanic

Even as I write this I am emotionally and physically exhausted from the most difficult day of all this summer. No campers were hitting each other and no one got lost (for too long), but it was really difficult to let go of all the kids I came to know and love this summer. I got into work where immediately things felt different, a sense of nostalgia for the beginning of summer was apparent. The entire morning was dominated by drama within the staff, which took away from the day as a whole, but nonetheless it came to a head as the groups split up to practice their talent show dances for the final time. My kids were in a room with one other group; we went up to the front of the room and started dancing to Watch Me. I messed around the entire time and did some ridiculous dance moves that made my kids laugh hysterically every time they looked back and saw me. They made me promise not to do anything embarrassing during the actual talent show. On stage at the end of the day, our kids were fantastic but for some reason, really off-center. We had always practiced them coming on from opposite sides but the couldn't because one wing was filled so they all entered from one side but didn't spread all the way out and it ended up clumping on one side. Regardless, a wonderful job was done and I was proud of each and every one of those children. Then, the assistant counselors danced to a High School Musical medley that I could describe or just post here. The talent show ended and parents began picking up their kids for the last time. It was a heartfelt moment during which many cried, except me. I was fine until I walked one of my favorite campers to her car and closed the door, I told her that I'd miss her and she told me that she loves me, to which I replied, "I love you too." I almost cried, but held myself together for the sake of all of the other counselors. The rest of the day was pretty much insignificant because I did aftercare and went home. My dad's business had just completed their second "Think-A-Thon" which is where they do 26.2 straight hours of work for a pro bono client, but what it meant for me was that dad was going to be bringing home food. Spaghetti and meatballs from Buca Di Beppo and donuts and biscottis were all on the menu for dinner and I dined like a king. Upon turning on my phone I realized that I forgot that I was supposed to hang out with my friend Lauren tonight so I went to Park Avenue with her and her brother and hung out till going home for a well deserved night of sleep.

One day more

What a day today was. I woke up and forgot that on field trip days I have to be at camp early, so I rushed out of the house and stared at the clock the entire way there. Then I learned that I didn't actually have to be there for another fifteen minutes, and I'm not one of those people who likes to arrive early for things so I didn't even pretend to be happy about the fifteen extra minutes I could have slept for. All morning we prepared for our field trip to Semoran Skateway which included all kids from second to ninth grade. Trying to find all of the kids skates to wear was a huge pain, but the real pain was caused by the kids unto themselves because none of them could really skate. On of my campers fell every single time he got back up, even when he was just on the carpet. It really cracked us up so we gave him an award to make up for that. While we were there we requested all sorts of songs that we could dance to, mostly because we rented the place out so there was no one to laugh at the all-white staff doing the wobble. Injuries galore occurred while we skated, which was expected; one little girl hurt her ankle and was crying, so I picked her up and carried her back to my boss, then her counselor said, "Hey Jacob, my ankle's broken too!" On the way back to camp I sat in the back of the bus with some of the loudest kids at camp, I actually got a headache after being asked 25,000 times why we can't watch a movie on the 15-minute ride back. At camp, I continued my reign as the best foosball player as I dominated against eight-year old's. Aftercare was long and uneventful because everyone was tired after skating, and we all knew camp was almost over. Instead of having a staff outing yesterday, we had a staff banquet tonight which took place in the very fancy and exclusive club: the youth room in the back of the JCC. Beforehand, all of the guys got ready in the locker rooms. One of my friends said something about not having enough soap so I took some of my underwear, loaded it up with soap, and flung it into the shower he was in. "Incoming soap!" I warned. A night of sentiment took place as everyone was recognized, I was even called "goofy" by my boss. Not sure how to feel about that. Staff superlatives were awarded and I got 'Camp Comedian' which is basically the same as last year's award of 'Silliest Staff'. It even kept with the alliteration. Also at camp, there is a program called the 'All-American Counselor Challenge' which I thought would be competition based, but turned out to actually test your skills as an employee because the program was about demonstrating all eight pillars of being a good counselor. On the first award I got, my name was spelled 'Jacob Fried' which my boss felt awful about and corrected by the next day. Today when I was given a certification of completion, I found it funny that once again he had misspelled my name. "No, I didn't," he said, "read it." I read it and it said, "This award hereby fails to recognize Jacob Fried because no one by that name competed in Camp J's All-American Counselor Challenge." Then my boss gave me the real award and I was actually pretty happy about it. The night ended with a slideshow, in which none of my selfies were included. I rode home and listened to The Jacob Freid Experience before getting ready to finally go to sleep.

Drama Queen

In an exciting turn of events my dad had a meeting next to where I work so he drove me this morning, and then later in the day, the room we were in with the kids had a window and my dad saw me and walked over to meet all of my kids. They all went crazy and mobbed him, I talk to my parents a lot about my kids so I tried to introduce them all by name, but they came up in scores and eventually I just told my dad I had to get back to work. All of my kids told me I look nothing like him and that he looks "younger" than I do. On this day, the second to last day of camp, one of our favorite campers left because she's going on vacation to the beach. Being great and all, she brought in brownies for her counselors and it was a very sad goodbye that just reminded me how much I'll miss camp, despite how tough it is to work all summer long. One thing I really liked about this camper was that she didn't pretend to be allergic to me, which is a real plus in my book. Many other girls continue to pretend they are, but I told them that I'm sure the pre-school has room for a few extra babies. What really got them was when I told them I'd have to crush up their Goldfish because they were too big to eat; then medical science cured them of their allergy. In Israeli Culture, the children made what were referred to as 'Chocolate Balls'. I'm not sure what this had to do with Israel, but they were so great, and many jokes about balls were made during the period. When it was time to go, the kids had to put their balls on a tray that would go into the refrigerator; as per usual, it took a long time, so I said to the kids, "stop touching your balls!" The entire day went easily because all the kids wanted to do was watch me do improv scenes with the other counselors. In reality, all they wanted to see was me ask other guys to marry me. Aside from that, the majority of my day was spent taking selfies with campers and trying to get them to actually smile in a picture with me. It was not easy. At the end of the day I realized I didn't have anyone to drive me home, so I called my grandpa and waited in the lobby. A short time later, the lady at the front desk came out and said, "there is a car outside honking, so if anyone is waiting for a-" Before she finished I knew it was my grandpa because getting out of the car and walking inside is just not his style, so long as he could just honk the horn. He drove me back to my grandma's house where mom picked me up. Sophie and two of her friends were there, along with my dog, Rosebud. Sophie got out to sit in the back with her friends, but the three seats were filled because Rosebud was taking up one. In a dramatic show of protest, Sophie climbed in the trunk and told my mother that she treats our dog like a princess. Back at our house, Sophie and her friends made short work of my leftovers and then I retired to my chambers.

Im(pro)v

Today was, what we at camp refer to as, Tubular Tuesday. Every few weeks we have a themed dress up day and today was the last one of camp. I have dressed from the future for decades day and today, for the theme of 'What do you want to be when you grow up?', I dressed as a male model. It was by far the most unique costume out there. I cut some old jeans into j-orts for casual wear, I turned one jean leg into a fie and one into a bandana, then I cut the sleeves off of an old button-down and put it all together with high socks and some basketball shoes. This was assembled in the thirty minutes allocated for getting ready in the morning before going to work. It was met with praise and a few "typical Jacob"s. When camp began we, meaning my co-counselor Hailey, decided that instead of doing the same games we normally do, I'm going to go up in front of the children and act out an improv scene. It's not like I really needed time to prepare, it being improvised and all, so I hopped right into it. I pulled in a couple of other counselors and CITs and the kids were dying laughing. In one scene I tried to learn ballet and then proposed to my ballet instructor, played by another male counselor. Another scene involved three things that the audience requested, night, dog treats, and a cart wheel. The scene started with me rolling a cart full of dog treats up a hill at night. The cart wheel breaks and I find a cat and things devolve quickly. In the room we were in, there were doors on either side and as I picked up my friend, who played the cat, I opened one of the doors that led to another room, and pushed him out the door and in to the next room. What I had not foreseen was that the room would be occupied, and a bunch of middle-age preschool teachers would be staring at me wide-eyed, mouths agape. I apologized and ran out, back in the room with my kids they were cracking themselves up to see me make that mistake. The last scene we did involved this weird undercover cop scenario where my partner hand cuffed me and the thief got away, but not before one of my kids stood up and grabbed him, then demanded a high five for her brilliant work. Finally it was time for the show the theatre department had been working on for four weeks, but it took them a while to get ready so we did another improv scene in front of the whole camp. This one took place before my date where I was brushing my arm hair. Afterwards the same child kept coming up to me asking to brush my arm hair. In after care I went to grab my co-counselors back pack from the gym and took what I thought was her bag. I looked around an found another one exactly like it, lying next to our clipboard. I looked to the only other kid on the bleachers and asked if the backpack I was holding was his. "Yeah," he replied. I didn't hear him and asked again. "Yeah," he said louder. "Oh," I said, "then why did you let me take it?" He looked confused. I handed the bag back to him and apologized for breaking the zipper in the fifteen seconds I had it for. After a long day at work I got home where my mother had laid out the clothes for my date with her tonight. I ignored them and dressed myself but she said I was handsome regardless. We drove to Hillstone where I more than anything expected to see my friend Baxter who practically lives there. My mom and I talked for a while about camp and my friends and whatnot; the food was delicious and some of it is now in my fridge, excited to be eaten tomorrow for lunch. When the bill came I gentlemanly picked it up and walked my mother back to the car, of course she made one of the valets take a picture of us because she's all about her Instagram. Back at home I was excited to see a letter had arrived containing an OFFICIAL Bernie Sanders bumper sticker that my dad said was not allowed on the car.

Doo doo theatre

Of course Sophie decided this morning that she just HAD to be up at the butt crack of dawn to go watch her friend take a driving test so at seven o'clock she busted into my room and demanded I get up. I groggily argued but have no general recollection of what was said. All I remember is waking up 45 minutes later and going to work like usual. I feel it necessary to mention that today I wore socks that looked like gators eating my legs, they were a big hit among the children. In the morning, it began to drizzle and soon picked up into a storm so the majority of our day was inside. The first thing we did was prepare for our talent show where our group of younguns had chosen to do the song Watch Me by Silento. It's quite a sight to see, but when I opened Spotify, it asked me if I'd like to continue playing music on 'Caroline's iPhone' which I did not. As soon as I clicked the switch button, her music started playing on my phone and now I'm worried that one day a song will end up starting on my phone at a more explicit part in front of children, my mother, or my rabbi. Lunch was inside and was pizza so who could complain about that, afterward however, we tie-dyed shirts for the kids and I got it all over my staff shirt and kids wouldn't stop pointing it out. In drama it was pointed out that "I do do theatre," which was a joke originating with a counselor who, after demonstrating something in drama, flirtatiously told the CIT that, "she used to do theatre." Now I go around telling everyone that "I do do theater," while speaking in a British accent. One kid told me that 'do do theater' sounds like theater that isn't very good. In drama class today, the specialist asked all of us what our favorite part of summer was and all of the kids went, and then I tried to talk about how much the kids meant to me but they literally just said "blah blah blah," and ignored me. My other favorite part of summer was starting a blog and one little girl said to me, "you should put me in it because I'm a big part of your life!" My last Monday at camp this year ended spectacularly with me winning a game of H-O-R-S-E and getting chic-fil-a. Pretty much life goals, amirite ladies? I got home and my brother resentfully ate a microwaved hot dog while I enjoyed some crispy chicken nugs. The remainder of the evening was spent watching magic tricks and wishing I had gone to sleep earlier.

Back to the daily grind

I awoke on the hard floor of the Waldorf Astoria and climbed upon a bed and slept for a couple of more hours. When I woke up it was just my sister and I in the hotel room and my immediate reaction was "oh hell no, I've gotta get out of here!" Breakfast consisted of a blueberry muffin and coffee as I made my way out to the body surfing place, where a bunch of 11-year-old's showed off their tricks while I managed to barely hang on with water hitting me below the belt right as I fell off. That was the end to my body surfing endeavor, and in part because it was time to pack up the room. My siblings were amazed that the hotel actually sent people up to get our bags instead of us bringing them down ourselves. For lunch, we again found ourselves dissatisfied with a couple restaurants before finally choosing one, and by this I mean mom found ourselves dissatisfied with them. I enjoyed a lunch of tilapia but soon after my throat started to hurt as we went home and I became worried that over the course of lunch I had suddenly developed and allergy to fish. I realized I hadn't and I was being dramatic unless the allergy is just waiting for the chance to strike and kill me. The car ride home was long but can be summed up briefly with the idea that it is not easy to annotate a book while sitting in the crowded backseat of a moving Prius. The first place we went when we got back home was to our grandma's house to celebrate my mom's fiftieth birthday. She got a gold ring with a bee on it from my dad and a hat from my brother. Dinner was pizza and salad, with Food Network on in the background to spice things up. My brother's friends came over and I walked all of them around the neighborhood looking for a basketball hoop to play on. My brother rang another friend's doorbell, but no one answered because they were probably eating dinner. "That's rude," he remarked. We walked back to my grandma's just in time to see our car pulling out of the driveway and peeling off down the street. Apparently they had gone to pick us up but we were already back so everyone was just confused. Upon our arrival home, my brother started crying and my mom asked what was wrong, he replied, "I don't want to fight in the army." Okay? Everyone was tired from the active weekend, but then, me being an extrovert and all, I went out with Caroline and Olivia and we bought dozen doughnuts. One was brought to Baxter who showed us his nifty retainer. Olivia drove back to the parking garage where Caroline's car was located as we swapped stories about the last time we had gotten the stomach bug. Caroline then drove me home, but not before finding my dad on twitter and reading some of his more interesting tweets to me. Then I went to bed after watching magic tricks on my computer, because it was that kind of night.

Pray 4 me

So I had forgotten that today we would be traveling out to Boca Raton to stay in the fancy schmancy Waldorf Hotel. In fact I had forgotten about it when I fell asleep last night when I got home so when I woke up at seven, I had to pack my bag and make sure nothing was forgotten, or I'd be going commando this weekend, and I was not about to do that. The drive there was uncharacteristically peaceful as my family squished and squirmed in our Prius down towards the 3-0-5. The tranquility was caused by my sister being asleep most of the way there because as soon as she woke up she started talking like she was a Hispanic woman. In Cold Blood had to wait until I could get away from Sophie, who started off our trip by managing to piss all of us off to the point where Joseph wanted to hang out with me instead. At lunch she complained the entire time about how things weren't going her way, and then she demanded that my parents pay her $40 in money they "owe her" after having flown her to California and back for her own private vacation. We needed a break so Joseph and I went to the game room at the hotel where we could check out NBA 2k14 for the XBOX One. This was a rarity for us because it didn't even compare to the antique graphics of the game cube. The lady who ran the game room walked by us and warned, "ten more minutes." I looked at Joseph who gave me a 'did you know about this?' face. We headed off to the beach but not before we had run into dad and Sophie, who told us that we were going back to the pool and to try to Flow Rider, which was like a wave machine that you could surf on. We were all in line to go on when my dad feels the rain and decides to leave. My brother takes his place in front of some random 10-year-old who looks at him and says, "dude. line." My brother makes a face like 'but my dad was here and we're just switching spots so it's not really cutting'. Unfortunately, he couldn't put that into words because strangers frighten him, so he went to the back of the line. Soon, each kid had gone several times and was tired and hungry so we headed out to eat. As we waited for the car, I asked my mom, "do you think the valet has met our rat friends yet?" "The rats are gone," my mom replied. "We don't know that for sure," I said. We tried two different restaurants before we found one that could seat us. It was called 'Flanigan's' and our family, well dressed and showered, were out of place there. I ordered a half rack of ribs that ended up being shared with Sophie because all of her whinings about not liking the food she ordered. After a long day, we checked back in at the Waldorf and headed up to our two-bed room. Ahh, at last, it was time to argue about who slept where. Joseph tried to take the floor, but dad altruistically said he wanted it. Sophie wasted no time hopping into one of the beds while I decided to also sleep on the floor because the alternative was sharing a bed with Sophie and I'm just not ready for that. The sleeping arrangements ended up with mom and dad in one bed, Sophie on the other, ans myself and Joseph on the floor. Mom's birthday is Sunday so Tuesday I'm taking her out to dinner at Hillstone, because I'm a better child than Sophie at least.

I am so tired 7/31/15

Awoken by the sound of guitar music and children screaming at me about rolling up their sleeping bags, I got off of the hard auditorium floor and kinda wished that I could call in sick, even though I was already at work. Breakfast consisted of a buttered bagel as I began the paramount task of the summer: setting up the ultimate scavenger hunt. It was a race against the clock as Gera and I tried to tape up clues all over the JCC and arrange for a victory party. This time, things went smoothly with prizes being given out in the end, and a winner being crowned. Second place was given a "campers choice" card, which allowed them to pick the game we were playing, and first place got a "Trump" card, which allowed them back into any game. Naturally the first place card was outfitted with a head shot of Donald Trump himself. The post-scavenger hunt after party was pretty bomb. We turned out the lights and put up strobes and played music through the speakers while the kids whipped and Nae-Nae'd to their hearts' content. For two days in a row, we were rained out of an activity as the pool was closed for thunder. We chose, instead, to hang out in the senior lounge where we did some laughing yoga and listened to a meditation tape, where the instructions were to imagine yourself busting your favorite animal out of a zoo. Afterward, I asked the kids what they thought I should get my mom for her birthday on Sunday. One kid said, "a necklace," another said, "a card," and one child said, "you should make her happy by getting a girlfriend." Everyone was so tired by the end of the day that song session became just a bunch of songs spoken in ridiculous accents, and then the song specialist started cracking up in the middle of Shabbat. It was a hoot. Not too many kids were in PM care as they day winded down, many parents had picked up their kids early after the overnight, and so I was able to go early. I got home at six and fell asleep for about twelve hours, only to wake up confused as to how I was already in bed.