Typical

Mom: Jacob I don't understand, you keep going to your room to clean up, but I still see clothes all over the floor.

Me: Ahh, simple misunderstanding. I didn't clean up.

Mom: Go clean up.

Me: Are we having guests over?

Mom: Go clean up

Me: *Cleans up* *Blogs about it*
_________________________________________________________________________________Sophie (On Donald Trump): He doesn't like, like, other people.

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Dad (On coming home for Thanksgiving from college): You get to see all of your friends.

Joseph: What friends?

Me: You'll make some buddy.

Joseph: I hope so

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I ate way too much today and now I feel pretty gross. For the last couple nights, I've been hanging out with Caroline and Greycyn or Caroline and Grace, which has been pretty exhilarating. Caroline and Greycyn pulled up, but Caroline forgot about her piece of lawn furniture in the backseat so we put it out on my front sidewalk, which was nice because it really fit the aesthetic of the house anyway. I was more worried about my parents claiming it than it being stolen. We went to McDonalds and ate some chicken McNugs and drank some premium water. While Caroline was in the bathroom, Greycyn told me she was born without hearing in her right ear which was a LIE. We had some pretty powerful moments listening to Adele before Caroline dropped off Greycyn and had me return the lawn furniture.

The next night, Caroline texted me and told me to "be ready in 7." By the time I was ready, Caroline and Grace had already entered my house and were pointed towards the cookies by my mom. They were really impressed with the light-up fish installation in the hallway. After showing off some of my mother's embroidery, we took a trip to downtown Orlando (mostly for the Snapchat filter). A homeless man tried to get us to listen to a boss new song. We took selfies like obnoxious tourists. We realized we couldn't get in anywhere without being 18. We settled for pizza and WWE in a real hole-in-the-wall restaurant. I offered my coat to Grace about 54 times because she said she was cold 54 times, but she refused. On the way back to WP, Caroline demonstrated her free and independent teen spirit by letting her scarf flap from the window. It was symbolic. We messed with fast food workers, who probably hate us by now, and rode home, accompanied by our good friend Drake. I'd like to think that scarf still flies to this very day.

Why does anyone stay up past 9:30?

I've really begun to utilize the snooze button more on my alarm clock recently. It's one of those ones that is loud and vibrates then entire bed, and as you probably could have guessed, was a Hanukkah gift from my mother. My mom claims that I am unable to wake up on my own and that she always gets me up, but truth be told I get up and play NBA 2k16 on my phone in the wee hours of the morning instead of actually getting ready. Today I wore the same sweater I wore last winter when I fell asleep for a record half-hour in history class.

Instead of going to "school" I went to Keke's with Grace and Olivia and Caroline. I was pretty surprised Olivia managed to pick me up because turning onto my street is a big ol' Charlie Foxtrot. Several selfies were taken and snap chatted, but one stands out because Caroline covered my face with an Emoji. I will not post it here due to the offensive nature of the image. As it should be, Grace and I sat on the same side of the booth, mostly because she arrived last and Caroline, Olivia and I had already decided on it. Somehow, I ended up telling them about how my mom is taking charge of party planning.

My mom was describing the plans for Joseph's Bar Mitzvah at dinner one night and she said this band was gonna come that played classic rock music. "Does Joseph like classic rock?" I asked. "He said he liked them," mom replied. Joseph shouted fro his room, "no." 

Most of the planning for his party has been mom coming up with some of her "ideas" and the clearance items at Hobby Lobby. Olivia felt as though she deserved an invitation because she's my sister. The logic behind this, and there is logic, is that both of our fathers named Mark, have never been seen in a room together. Spooky, right? Olivia drove me back to school because Caroline had some appointment and Grace said her neighbors would tell her parents if she drove through her neighborhood with a boy. They're gonna have to find out eventually, whether it be here or the wedding. Olivia played country music which I could deal with for all of a minute and a half before I made her put on Drake to get psyched for ToK. ToK we had a sub. History, we may as well have had a sub because I spent the entire time writing the ending to In Carroll Blood (the movie about Yasha's {secret} life, co-directed by Greycyn). In English, we had a sub who asked me if I had been in Mr. Farmer's class last year as if all Jewish people are the same. RUDE. Okay, listen, I friggin hate chemistry class because I could absorb more knowledge by hitting my head against a textbook, and it'd be twice as fun too. Today we kept converting units, big whoop. The teacher asked if we could have done that without this class and Akshay savagely replied, "we learned how to do this in middle school and in tenth grade." That was the beginning. A 16 question worksheet was given to keep us occupied doing the exact same problem over and over and over and over. "Even professional athletes do the same things over and over and still mess up," the chem teacher informs us. "Yeah, but we aren't being paid millions of dollars," I replied, not realizing I had just spoken those words. "I pay you in grades," she said, rapidly approaching my desk. I shifted the conversation towards the absurd amount of money pro athletes make. I mean truly, who needs 30 million dollars annually. It's insane! Now you see how easy it is to distract people. At the end of class, she passed out rulers and tried teaching us the difference between millimeters and centimeters. Savagely, Akshay explains to her that, "we learned to use rulers in elementary school."

After school, as I waited for the district event showcase, I watched the marching band practice, became the newest [honorary] drum major, and took celebratory pictures with Emily. It was truly and artistic experience, photography, music, drama... this blog should make you feel cultured. All the individual events were amazing and I feel great about district's, but even better about missing school. Back home, I was talking with my dad when my sister walked in, sick and swathed in blankets. "Oh no it's the Michelin man!" Nobody else thought it was funny aka every joke I make. Without a doubt.

Gettin' around town

Me and the Wifey

So last night I knew I had to have my Poetry Out Loud poem ready by today and yet I neglected it until I actually arrived at school. It was one of those days where I did the next period's homework in the class right before hand, and sometimes, not too well. In English, Mr. Farmer was telling us that if we had already done a commentary on our poem we could turn it in for extra credit so I turn to Delaney H. and say, "I haven't even done my math homework yet and that was due first period. Thankfully there were a lot of subs, but somehow none of them taught me less than my chemistry teacher. Just last week she was having us describe solids, liquids and gasses. Today we multiplied. The worst part is that she treats it like a big deal, like when Camila asked if she could miss a week and every other teacher said it was okay, except the chem teacher was worried she'd "fall behind." Today she asked us to check her power point for mistakes because we were the first IB class of the day and I look at some junior (the really tall one) and tell him "That is not my job." In English, I did my Poetry Out Loud poem and it sucked so I'll just leave it at that. In Psych, Grace and I were matching so we took some early Christmas photos.

After school, we had to show all of our district thespian festival events to Mr. Carter. Our ensemble scene, the one that uses the phrase 'premature ejaculator,' went swimmingly.

The ensemble scene in action

Then I had to perform my monologues which went well considering I'm doing one from King Lear which I hadn't memorised until last week. The only reason I picked that one is because we were already reading it in class and I forgot to pick a dramatic monologue earlier, so I ended up being Edgar. In addition to monologues, an ensemble scene, and poetry out loud to memorise, the competition one-act is Thursday which I'm scarcited for? A mix of scared and excited.

Anyway, after I acted and whatnot, I got an urgent text from Caroline about getting Slurpee's with her and Grace for EE postponement day. Little did I know it was all a ploy for me to hold the camera as they posed for pictures with their Slurpees outside a 7/11. I'm sure no one driving by judged that. However, Grace did return my brother's basketball which I just now realized is still in Caroline's car. After a hearty round of Slurpees, Grace had to go home and drive Emmy to dance so Caroline started driving me home, but on the way we saw Cliff and Ted in their foyer so we decided (Caroline decided) to turn into their driveway (swerve into their driveway). I got my first Timmie selfie today so that was probably the highlight of my day for sure 100%. Ted shuffled around, sick, in his great-grandfathers robe. He mostly complained about it being too loud but right after he complained he joined in the conversation. Caroline and I made some easy-mac and offered it to Greycyn who had just arrived for some school advicEE. I burned my tongue, but it was worth it because it was delicious. Thanks, Cliff.

Back at home we all ate dinner together, so you just know drama was about to ensue. Joseph got mad at me because that seems to be his hobby nowadays. Anyway, Rosebud (having only one eye) was licking the inside of the dishwasher so I pulled her away from it. Joseph was offended and said I am not allowed to do that. "She's a dog Joseph," I tried to explain. Apparently that offended him deeply because he retorted, "she's not a dog!" WHAT DOES THAT MAKE HER THEN??? I walked away and he said he was going to run away so if any of you see a 12-year-old in Vineyard Vines please return him to me.

The end of the beginning and the beginning of the middle part

So I guess it's been a while since I posted on here and I've definitely got a lot to talk about. As I remember stories from the past couple months I'll probably post them on here.

So this weekend was the performance of our play, Stuff Happens, which is what we're doing for the district competition as well. It's a political play and I play George W. Bush, which is great except I hate George W. Bush and I'm so far left wing, but people still keep coming up to me and telling me how much they hate me! Like, listen buddy! I don't like him any more than you do, I'm just playing the guy! One of my lines in the play is, "I'm the commander see, I don't need to explain. I don't need to explain why I say things." I said it for my grandma and she said, "That's probably something Obama would say." Woah grandma hold up, you can't just say things like that. And yet she still does... all the time. The play went really well and when it was over my hair was still really white from the makeup and so I went up to a few people and told them to, "just call me daddy." That didn't go over well so now I'm out a few friends. We only had two performances this time which is great because it meant that I got to sleep more this weekend which is always a huge plus. After the show on Friday, I didn't go to dinner with the rest of the cast but instead to Chick-fil-a with a few friends. I tried to sneak out a packet of Chick-fil-a sauce but the lady who cleared the table threw it out. Afterward we headed to Park Ave. where I was made uncomfortable by my friend's boyfriend who HATES ME because another friend told him I was his competition.

The Saturday show was easier because I got to sleep all day beforehand, but when I woke up I had to ask my parents if they would take me to buy makeup while still seeming nonchalant about it. My dad drove me to this store located in the middle of all these storage units and I walked in and started talking to this man who smelled like an ash tray. While he was helping me, I heard something wheeze in the backroom, and tried to be chill about it but he said something like, "it's close to dying," which made me if it was a dog or mother-in-law or what. I got out of there with some expensive AF foundation and went to the Y to play basketball with my dad and brother. The gym was being half occupied by 4-year-olds playing "soccer" or whatever that was. The other half of the gym was free-ish to play basketball, so we all started to shoot around. Then my dad started arguing with my little brother about how to shoot (because he is 12 and knows everything) so when I shot, no one got my rebound and it bounced and hit some woman in the head. She was VERY surprised and indignant. I apologized, but she stared at me like I was a freaking ghost so I walked out of the gym and went home with my family. My brother was pretty salty towards me because he blamed me for us leaving so early. Here's the thing though, we could have played outside on a court but he was too worried about messing up his fancy basketball shoes, so he refused. That's probably good though because I left his basketball in Grace's car three months ago and he still hasn't noticed that it's missing and I'd like to keep it that way. After I showered while listening to my Spotify (thanks Caroline) I went to school to work on an ensemble scene for the district thespian festival. A bunch of families were walking around the school because the all-county orchestra was rehearsing, which was fine because an audience is great, except at one point our scene uses the phrase, "PREMATURE EJACULATOR," which turned out to not be the right thing to say in front of small children and parents. The show went well and now the only other performance we have will be at the competition on Thursday. After the show Grace, Caroline and I went to some Thai restaurant where I
tried

to kiss Grace during a picture but she saw it coming... and then to an abandoned parking lot where they made me film them dancing to Partition for Grace's Snapchat story. Then we harassed fast food workers through the drive-thru. I have to admit that I choked at one point and all I said was "hey cool cat." We jammed to some throwback Jonas Brothers on the way home, so I guess you could say it was pretty lit.