2 True Z0d16c

2 True Z0d16c

By Jacob Freid

SCENE ONE:

(The scene opencandle-lite lit office with thunder and rain in the background; the sounds of sobbing permeate the room, JEB and TED are drinking a couple brewskis)

JEB

Ted it's gonna be okay! This stuff happens, alright? You're gonna move on and be better than your brother!

TED

(sobbing) I don't even have a brother! And yet I am still so devastated!

JEB

Oh right, I projected my own feelings onto you in my ever present desire to make my father proud of me.

TED

Oh right... Happens to the best of us. (Wind blows) Oh no Jeb, he's here for my soul!

JEB

No no no no no, we're republicans, we don't have those.

TED

Oh right.

JEB

Look Ted, I gotta be honest with you, I really thought you were gonna win there.

TED

So did I, so did my staff, my daughters didn't but I only use them for publicity anyway.

JEB

You know He flusters the best of us, it isn't your fault you lost.

TED

No... it's not!

JEB

What do you feel went wrong?

TED

Oh I don't know Jeb, could've been anything really.

JEB

Well when you're this close it’s usually one specific thing.

TED

Well I don't think-

JEB

Well maybe that's your problem! Then again George... (As in George W. Bush didn’t think and he still got elected)

TED

Jeb, what I'm sayin’ is there's not way to pinpoint what went wrong! We targeted and blamed all the right groups!

JEB

Okay, I don't think you understand. Ted, my campaign was completely funded on the sale of my family’s guacamole recipe, and that didn't pan out, so I lost! Rubio looked too ethnic and Fiorina turned out to be a woman! It happens to the best of us. I just can't seem to understand what went wrong with you. Maybe it’s because you’re a misogynistic pig?

TED

That’s the best way to lock up the nomination.

JEB

Did you admit to believing in climate change?

TED

Heck no! Jeb just leave me alone.

JEB

Need a hug?

TED

Jeb! How do you think the party base would react to two grown men hugging?

JEB

Okay... and you're sure you don't know what went wrong?

TED

Yes!

JEB

Because if you know, it'll be easier to get over this embarrassingly devastating loss.

TED

Jeb I- Wait really?

JEB

That's what I'm trying to tell you!

TED

Well there is one thing, but you can't tell anyone about it.

JEB

Okay.

TED

Promise?

JEB

Promise. (They lock pinkies)

TED

I'm the Zodiac killer. (Thunder)

(LIGHTS DOWN)

SCENE TWO:

(Two kids in a garage; GREGG and QUENTIN)

QUENTIN

Ted Cruz is the zodiac killer!

GREGG

Quentin!

QUENTIN

Gregg I have the evidence!

GREGG

Quentin, no you don't!

QUENTIN

Do I need to show you the map of the killing sites again? (He pulls them out anyway)

GREGG

No please don't!

QUENTIN

Or the murder weapon itself... In replica form?

GREGG

Seen it fourteen times.

QUENTIN

Or how about the only known drawing of the killer himself compared to Ted Cruz? (Holds up a picture of Ted Cruz next to an identical picture of Ted Cruz) Uncanny!

GREGG

That proves nothing. Quentin unless you can build a time machine that takes us back to the site of the first killing in the late nineteen sixties, mind you, when Ted Cruz was three years old, then maybe, just maybe there would be definitive proof, but until that day you can shove it up your-

QUENTIN

Voila! (Reveals time machine that says “Time Machine” on the side)

GREGG

Yep should've seen this coming.

QUENTIN

It's a time machine.

GREGG

Yeaaah I can see that.

QUENTIN

Well?

GREGG

Well what?

QUENTIN

Hop in!

GREGG

For what reason?

QUENTIN

To do the thing! To go back in time!

GREGG

Oh... Haha, umm good one Quentin.

QUENTIN

What?

GREGG

Well it's obvious that this is a cardboard box that says time machine on it.

QUENTIN

Yes but--

GREGG

Let's go in the house, mom has cookies or something.

QUENTIN

What?!

GREGG

I know! They're the only thing she makes well!

QUENTIN

No! The time machine!!

GREGG

Yeah mom’s probably going to recycle that.

QUENTIN

It works!!

GREGG

Quentin!! You can't just write the words “Time Machine” on something and expect it to function as such!!

QUENTIN

Try.

GREGG

What?

QUENTIN

Get in and try.

GREGG

You know you're ridiculous.

QUENTIN

How do you know I'm not right?

GREGG

Science! Because your theory about Ted Cruz is ridiculous and so is your “time machine.”

QUENTIN

Evidence! (He holds up his binder with his evidence) Besides what's the harm in trying?

GREGG

I look like a dumb ass.

QUENTIN

Aww Quentin, you don't need my help doing that, alright champion?

GREGG

I'm leaving.

QUENTIN

Fine, I'll get the proof myself.

GREGG

No one will believe you.

QUENTIN

How do you know I didn't already go back in time and find the proof and that's why I'm so sure.

GREGG

Because- Wait did you?

QUENTIN

Only one way to find out.

GREGG

If I do this will we be able to go back in time to when we were born and have mom and dad give you up for adoption?

QUENTIN

No because then I wouldn't be here to- (He starts to move his arm up into his sleeve as if he's disappearing) ahh! AAH!

GREGG

Wait I'm kidding!! (QUENTIN’s arm pops back out) Okay! I'll go with you.

QUENTIN

Good! Let's get in. (They enter the time machine, the lights go crazy and music from every decade plays in backwards order.)

(LIGHTS DOWN)

SCENE THREE:

(The scene opens in the early 1970’s on the side of a road late at night in California; the lights are dim and blue, GREGG and QUENTIN walk on from SR covered in dirt and looking tired. They are carrying their time machine.)

QUENTIN

Before you say anything- Who’s the man??

GREGG

We landed in a tree!

QUENTIN

Who’s the man??

GREGG

Fifty feet up!

QUENTIN

Who is the man????

GREGG

We had to shimmy down!!

QUENTIN

I’m waiting...

GREGG

You’re the man.

QUENTIN

Hmm? A little louder?

GREGG

You are. You’re the man.

QUENTIN

Quentin’s the man.

GREGG

And how is Quentin going to help us find the Zodiac killer?

QUENTIN

We wait.

GREGG

What?

QUENTIN

We play the game of waiting.

GREGG

You have got to be kidding me.

QUENTIN

No I am not “kidding you!” We wait for Ted Cruz to show up and kill some people.

GREGG

Quentin how much do you even know about this Zodiac killer thing??

QUENTIN

Well not a lot but I had this theory and I shared it on Facebook and--

GREGG

Quentin! You just time travelled back based on some cockamame idea that Ted Cruz, the Texas politician, is a murderer! And based on what?? A few Facebook likes?

QUENTIN

I think you’re ignoring the fact that I built a time machine that--

GREGG

That what?? Got us lost in the woods in the middle of (Looks at watch) 1968!!!

QUENTIN

We are investigating! Why are you being so mean?

GREGG

(More and more angry) Because, Quentin, I don’t know if we are ever going to get home! Who knows if this thing works anymore! (Kicks the time machine) And maybe I’m just a little bit scared!

QUENTIN

Stop that! Gregg if this is about the cookies mom made, we can just go forward in time to when they’re still fresh!

GREGG

It isn’t about the cookies, Quentin! It’s about the fact that I don’t know if we are ever getting home! And for what?? Who the hell cares if Ted Cruz turns out to be the zodiac killer if we can’t tell the world!? I’m tired of this Quentin! I’m tired of this forest, I’m tired of this adventure, and I’m tired of you! I want to go home. Now.

QUENTIN

(Beginning to cry) Gregg I’m- I’m sorry! I thought this would be fun! I thought you’d have fun just hanging out with me and that, maybe in the process, we’d actually find the zodiac killer, and maybe even friendship! (Wails)

GREGG

That is the most corny thing I’ve ever heard! If the zodiac killer doesn’t show up in the next five seconds I’m leaving! (Silence for five seconds) Well that does it! I-

TED

(A flash appears SL; some noise is heard from the time machine, a rustling in the bushes, GREGG and QUENTIN look at each other and then get off the stage onto the floor, they bring their time machine, TED drags his own time machine on, it looks the same as QUENTIN’s) Well gosh darn it, when I’m president I’m gonna make sure there are parking spots in the past!

GREGG

Quentin!! Do you see this??

QUENTIN

It’s him! It’s really him! I was right!!

TED

(He pulls out a kitchen knife) Time to take care of business.

GREGG

Should we try to stop him??

QUENTIN

No! Let’s just watch!

GREGG

Do you think he’s gonna murder anybody?

QUENTIN

Why else would he be here Gregg? Shh.

TED

Hello? Who’s out there?? I’m armed!

GREGG

Quentin I think we need to do something! People are going to get killed!

QUENTIN

These people have already been killed. We’re from the future so we know the murders have already happened. If we try to stop them, we could do irreparable damage to the time stream.

GREGG

Oh... Okay.

TED

(There is a rustling in the bushes in the SR wing) Stay away! I’m armed!

GREGG

Maybe we should go...

QUENTIN

We have to observe!

TED

Who is there? Stay away!

BETTY LOU

(BETTY LOU and DAVID enter from SR) Hello? We heard shouting.

DAVID

Betty Lou we should leave!

BETTY LOU

Oh David don’t be such a pansy! What if someone’s car broke down?

DAVID

In the middle of the woods? They must not be from around here!

BETTY LOU

David what would Jesus say?

DAVID

I don’t know, what would he say if he knew we were playing tonsil hockey in the back seat, huh? (He nudges her in a joking way)

BETTY LOU

Oh knock it off David. Hello??

TED

Stay away!

BETTY LOU

Do you need a lift?

TED

Leave!

DAVID

Maybe we should just go.

GREGG

That’s it, we have to leave now!

QUENTIN

Fine! Get in the time machine! (They get in the time machine and it sputters but won’t start)

GREGG

Oh my god.

QUENTIN

I- um- I-

GREGG

Where are we going to find a time machine at this time of night?? (They look at each other, then at TED’s time machine, then back at each other)

QUENTIN

Okay, let’s just sneak around quietly and--

TED

(GREGG jumps on stage, runs to the time machine) The Zodiac killer!! (TED takes a swing at GREGG and misses, GREGG takes the time machine back to QUENTIN, BETTY LOU screams and TED turns around in shock, in the process he stabs her. DAVID tries to run and TED makes a leap and grabs him, pushes him down, and stabs him as well. Having seen this crazy scene unfold, QUENTIN and GREGG both get in the time machine  and run all the way up the auditorium aisle and out the back.)

ZODIAC KILLER

(There’s a rustling in the bushed SL) Hey my car broke down and- Oh my god.

TED

It’s not what it looks like!

ZODIAC KILLER

So you didn’t just kill those two people?

TED

Me? Umm- I- I guess? Please don’t call the police!

ZODIAC KILLER

No fair!

TED

I know! But I really need this to stay between us!

ZODIAC KILLER

No, I mean I came out here looking to kill people!

TED

You... You what??

ZODIAC KILLER

Yeah I know it’s kinda messed up but I was definitely about to kill some people right off the highway.

TED

Wait. Wait wait wait. You’re the Zodiac killer??

ZODIAC KILLER

Hey, that’s a pretty cool name. If I had actually killed those people I might’ve used it.

TED

No no no no no, I came here to STOP the zodiac killer from killing people! Not become him!! All of these “memes” about me being the Zodiac killer! I just wanted to go back in time and take care of the problem!

ZODIAC KILLER

Well it looks like you’re the zodiac killer now... So I guess I’m gonna leave...

TED

Wait but what do I do?

ZODIAC KILLER

Umm, do you still have your time machine?

TED

Yeah I- (Looks down and remembers GREGG took it) Oh... no I don’t.

ZODIAC KILLER

Guess you’re out of luck?

TED

Aw, butter cow!

ZODIAC KILLER

So like... you’re from the future?

TED

Yes, I’m a republican senator.

ZODIAC KILLER

Oh... But now you’re stuck here?

TED

I guess.

ZODIAC KILLER

And where you’re from, the Zodiac killings have already happened, right?

TED

Yep.

ZODIAC KILLER

Do you have a map of the killing sites?

TED

Always do. (Pulls map of the killing sites out of his shirt pocket)

ZODIAC KILLER

Alrighty then, get to it champ. (Starts to exit)

TED

Get to what?

ZODIAC KILLER

Killing! Zodiacally.

TED

What?!?!

ZODIAC KILLER

Yeah man, unless you want to totally destroy the time stream that created your reality.

TED

Wouldn’t it be hypocritical for me to kill people? I’m pro-life!

ZODIAC KILLER

Not in this universe you aren’t.

(LIGHTS DOWN)

SCENE FOUR:

(This scene takes place back in the garage, QUENTIN and GREGG walk in from SR, they both sit down and just take it all in)

GREGG

So.

QUENTIN

I guess I should tell the authorities.

GREGG

About a crime that happened almost 50 years ago?

QUENTIN

So then what do I do?

GREGG

I guess you can just use it as a pickup line?

QUENTIN

Oh well duh, half the reason I did this was to brag to girls about it. (He takes out his phone and looks at it) Oh hey, would ya look at that. The theory I posted on Facebook before we left, the one about Ted Cruz being the Zodiac killer? It turns out it’s gone viral and now people think it’s real.

GREGG

Oh... Well I mean it is technically true.

QUENTIN

Yeah... Why do you think Ted Cruz went back in time to become the Zodiac killer anyway?

GREGG

He’s an angry person?

QUENTIN

Maybe... But what if he actually went back in time to stop the real Zodiac killer from ever Zodiac killing and, in the process, accidentally became the Zodiac killer...

GREGG

Woah.

QUENTIN

Yeah.

GREGG

(Pause) Like that could ever happen!

QUENTIN

Ha! Right? Politicians are super weird.

GREGG

So cookies? (They both exit SL)

(LIGHTS DOWN)

SCENE FIVE:

(Back in the office with JEB and TED, this is a continuation of the first scene)

JEB

What the hell do you mean, “you’re the zodiac killer”??

TED

Haven’t you seen the internet lately? That’s all anyone has been saying! Ted Cruz is the zodiac killer blah blah stinkin’ blah!

JEB

So you aren’t the actual Zodiac killer?

TED

Oh God no! How could I be? I was barely born when the first killing happened. However, I have found a way to prevent that dumb rumor from ruining my campaign in the first place! (He drags out a time machine from SR)

JEB

What the hell is that?

TED

It’s a time machine

JEB

Yeaaaaaah I can see that...

TED

So I’m gonna go back in time and stop the Zodiac killings from ever happening in the first place!

JEB

How?

TED

In my time machine!

JEB

Ted you can’t just write ‘time machine’ on a cardboard box and expect it to act as such!

TED

Just you watch!! (TED gets in the box and prepares to time travel when all of a sudden SUPER OLD TED runs on from SL and tackles him) What the heck?!

SUPER OLD TED

Stop! You can’t do that!

TED

Who are you??

SUPER OLD TED

I’m you!

TED

Oh yeah? Well what were Caroline’s first words? One, two, three!

TED/SUPER OLD TED

I like butter!

TED

Oh my God it really is you!

SUPER OLD TED

You can’t go back in time!

TED

Why not? I need to stop the Zodiac killer!

SUPER OLD TED

No! You’ll become the Zodiac killer!

TED

I’ll what??

NAZI-LIKE TED

(NAZI-LIKE TED comes on from SL) Wait! You have to go back or else Betty Lou and David go on to become crazy dictators and wipe out half of the population!

TED

So if I do go back in time I become the Zodiac killer, and if I don’t, I basically create a billion Hitlers??

SMALL CHILD TED

Wait! I’m you from the early nineteen seventies!  If you go back then the world is introduced to time machine and the time stream becomes completely unravelled!

BLIND TED

(BLIND TED enters with a seeing eye dog) If you don’t go back you’ll become blind!

WOMAN TED

If you do go back you’ll become a woman!

ALL TEDS BUT TED

What are you gonna do Ted? (TED wails and runs off SR followed by all the TEDS)

JEB

And to think some people actually voted for that guy... Sheesh. I’m really starting to understand how George W. became president.

(FIN)